a little more for today 4/29

I came home 2 nights ago from Wisconsin to hopefully stay home for about a week before heading back to spend more time with mom.  But, then I got a call from the social worker where she is staying.  Apparently mom is getting more agitated and confused and is very sleepy and isn't eating much.  I'm not sure if that is because she was alone without one of us most of today or if things are just progressing or both.  But, it was more piled on to today.  I talked with Hospice and they are on top of it also.

Then one more thing--to ponder....

The young boy (age 10) that was Lucas's best friend in China was put on the main list called the Shared List of Special Needs kids several months ago.  But then his file disappeared and went to a specific agency.  But, nobody knew which agency it went to.  Today I found out it popped back up on the Main Shared List and he is now available for ANY agency to gain access to.  I had to post about that because you may hear more about him.  Technically, people are not suppose to give too much information about Chinese kids that are up for adoption, but I know things.  I have been in search mode for him for several months (dare I say a year?).  I want to know where he ends up and if I can advocate for him I will.  So you may see more info on him here on this blog in a few days just in case someone out there would dare be interested and be praying over a certain precious 10 year old boy in China who is available and likely needs surgery on one of his legs.  I would LOVE to be able to tell Lucas that he has a family.

Lucas and I also went to a counseling session today which turned out to be so incredible and precious.  I can't go into too much detail, but God was there and evident and Lucas and I got to play together for 45 minutes and afterward he said,
"Why did you love me so much that you adopted me?"
It is so hard to explain and understand how God worked out all those details.  But, suffice it to say, I picked him up and carried him for a while and loved on him and told him I am soooooo Happy that God chose him for us.  And even though I don't understand it all, I am so in love with him.  He said he was happy and loved me too.
A treasure for today.
Thank you Jesus!

It's been a busy and emotional day around here.
I may need to go to bed soon!  =)

Dandelions--4/29/04--

Sometimes I get to a day like today and wonder "what else can I say that hasn't already been said?"
I have already mentioned dandelions in previous posts, I've mentioned missing Jacob our son who died at age 6 (9 years ago today) from cancer.   I've mentioned how God was and still is worthy of being glorified even in loss.

Here are my previous posts including pictures of our sweet Jacob Georg.
Rambunctious and tender hearted:
April 29, 2011
April 29, 2012

So what does a mom say after she has been without her boy for 9 years?  That just seems so long.  He was 6 when he died so that means we have now been without him 3 years longer than we had him.  And he'd now be 15+ years old.  Not quite sure what to do with that if I think in "earthly" terms.

I had a sweet relative ask me a question this weekend and I feel like I stumbled over the answer because I haven't got just one simple answer to this question:

"How have you maintained your faith as you've walked through everything you have?  It almost seems as if it is stronger now than it ever was."

I stumbled because I don't always "feel" so strong, and I often feel as though I falter more than I should at this age and point in my life.  And somehow it sets me up as some kind of "expert" on the subject.  I don't feel like an "expert".

I wanted to come up with a sentence or two that would be some great theological answer.  

I think I responded by saying there is one thing I've known to be true 

(in and through the loss of 3 children, loss of jobs, financial strain, loss of parents, major teen issues, adoption of a 7 year old boy from China needing feet amputated, moving and more.)...

God is Sovereign.

He definitely exists and is my Rock.  

His plans are beyond my understanding.

I have had some angry words with him over time, but never "cursed" Him.

I'd like to add:

He simply first loved me and I love Him

I think the thing I've learned particularly over the past several years is to approach God with awe and reverence.  Not out of a fear as in panic or "fear of doom".  But, a fear as in a reverence for Him. And when I hear people say "I've got a few choice words for God on that subject", I cower.  Even now just puting that on "paper" I'm almost anxious inside.  He is Worthy and deserves all of our Honor and Glory and Praise.  No "thing" or "cirucumstance" or "person" has the power to take His place in our hearts or our lives. And we NEVER have the right to treat Him with dishonor and a cavalier attitude like "I'll tell Him a few things"...(ugh...that makes me lose my mind)

On this day of remembering I recall again His sweet reminder every spring with the bright yellow dandelions that pop up in the grass.  They return every spring about this time.  And our yard was peppered with them the day of Jacob's death and funeral.  I saw them in a new way that day.

Like most people I saw them as an annoyance, something that returns over and over again, a weed,  something "ugly".  I saw them as something to avoid and get rid of.  Something to pull out and uproot or squelch with weed killer because they messed up my "perfect" lawn.

The realization is God used them in my life and still does as a reminder of the Prayers of the Saints.  And also a reminder that my "perfect" life...well it doesn't exist.

We had so many people on their knees with us in our journey with Jacob, that I bet those prayers outnumberd the field of yellow I had in my backyard.  

Today I'm thinking about Dandelions and Prayers and how God uses the things we consider weeds in our lives to show us blessings beyond blessings.  I'm still not sure I'm able to ask for the weeds to invade my "yard" so that God can grow character and show me more blessing.  But, I do know without a shadow of a doubt that if he does do that, I will survive because He is still Sovereign and He gathers every tear and holds it gently in the palm of his hand.

Again we remember our blond headed goof ball.

We miss him and wonder "again" how different life would be.

But, God is still Sovereign...over the Dandelions...

Lucas's wonderful teacher

Above and beyond the call of duty.  Lucas's precious teacher Ms. FitzGerald came to his baseball game today.  She has been a God-send to us this semester and has dealt with more crazy than any one teacher should have to deal with.  

So to our favorite 2nd Grade Teacher in da whole wide world....

THANK YOU!!!!

We love you!

Serenity

We moved my mom into Woodlands Senior Park Assisted Living (4/24) and she has been placed on Hospice.  But, as is her way, she is still cheerful and has a pretty good outlook and attitude.
She is sleeping more.  And company does make her tired sometimes.

But, yesterday, my sister Linda and I were with her and just looking out her window with a view.  Mom Loves birds and nature and her room overlooks a beautiful pond with a pair of swans.

These are some precious picutres from yesterday.  Over and over again all I could think about was

Serenity

To God be the Glory for this wonderful woman in my life!

"You guys will remember this Spring Next Year"

My head is swirling with thoughts, prayers, and planning for mom.  Being tossed into the craziness of medical stuff and decision making and all that accompanies walking a parent through their final journey, is quite a full time job.  But, I would not trade each moment for the world.  Right now we are in the midst of finding Assisted Living for mom.  And many other decisions are in process.  I know a lot of people have walked this road before me.  I know people do it every day.  But, once again as I'm experiencing something for the first time, it's all new to me.  Yet in some ways it's also familiar.  I'm not really afraid.  But, my sentimental soul wants to not miss a single beat.  It's as if every day and every moment should be preserved.  I have loads of ideas on how we could move through these days.  But, honestly there is only so much time.  And it's Not all about ME!  Working on preserving mom's wishes and dignity and not setting out with my own agenda's...well that's hard sometimes.

Simply serving and not complaining.
That's hard too.

I feel like I want to grab hold of every ounce of air mom breathes as if she is some sort of prophet in her own right.  I find myself in a place where I am searching for the next thing to do to preserve her in any way I can.

In some ways she has gotten stronger, but in others weaker.

A sweet thing happened last night.  I brought along the scrapbook she and I started working on in 2007 all about her.  She just lit up and began telling my sister and I the stories of the pictures all over again.  And she didn't miss a beat.  Ok.  Maybe one beat when she read something SHE had written in it, and then reread it as if she had never read it before about 2 minutes later.  It was so sweet.

We also pulled out an old old school project she had made in high school.  Probably around 1945.  She loved to look at that and tell us all about how she LOVED interior design ideas and putting things in place around the home.  I just love entering into her world. I love grabbing for life and trying to absorb the most we can.  She even discredited herself for creating the project because she said, "I'm not that smart"...=)

Last night she said something and both my sister and I caught, although we didn't say anything out loud.
It started snowing.
And mom looked outside and said, "look at that!"...(yes it was April 12 but we are in Wisconsin and in the longest winter I have ever seen in my life).
Then she said this very prophetic simple little thing:"You

"You guys will remember this Spring next year".

we let those words just settle.
But the reality is....She said "you guys" not "we" will remember this spring.

Tender moments.
Simple words.
Big implications.

These things slip through once in a while.  And we take a deep breath.
not much more to say than that.
It will definitely be a memorable Spring momma.

the faith of a child

This happens in our house often.  I should really write about it more.  And everytime it happens I'm blown away.
Lucas prays.
ok big deal right?  Kids pray.
He's been in our home for almost 2 years, so it's not really a shocker that he prays right?

Well, that would be true if his prayers were basic prayers of typical kids that ask for things or says "bless mom and dad, the dog, the cats and the frog...and oh the big brother too". (he does add that kind of stuff to his prayers sometimes)
But, Lucas's prayers are different.

Detour with me for a moment.  Recently we have begun counseling with Lucas for a few reasons.  Some things just need ironing out.  And some things just need dealing with so he doesn't have to carry certain burdens into adulthood.  We've learned from some parenting bleeps that when we notice something, we shouldn't put it off.  We need to deal with it.  I don't want to enter the teen years with Lucas without having properly dealt with a few things.  The reason I mention counseling is because his counselor mentioned to us that one of his issues could be a receptive language issue.  These kiddos are so great at fooling us into thinking they understand everything because their verbal language skills take off at such a rapid pace.  But, the reality is, receptive language still lags sometimes.  That can cause a lot of frustrations for them.  Even an awareness on our part of that issue has helped us to deal with some things in a more direct way with him.  (ie talking about having a girlfriend, etc....he doesn't really completely understand what he is talking about).

Now, let's just assume he still has some gaps in receptive language.  One would think then that something like spiritual talk and prayer would be a hard thing to comprehend and really understand especially if you've never experienced it in your life prior to 2 years ago.

But, I am telling you, the Holy Spirit is at work in this boy.  Is he perfect? NO!  Is his behavior always reflective of a true believer? NO! Does he live his life every moment of every day as if he sees Jesus walking right beside him? NO!  But, do any of us really?  We attempt to but we all have our issues right? We are sinners that fall short of God's Glory.  But, Jesus continues to let us return. And likewise with Lucas.

A few nights ago we had one of those nights that I really had to take pause.
We were praying at bedtime.
And Lucas took over the prayer. Shocking really.  (ha)
He is always concerned about Isaac and believing in Jesus.
Since the "girlfriend" thing was at the front of his mind tonight, he prayed that Isaac would find a girl/wife someday that beleives in Jesus.  And of course that Isaac would too.  This weighs very heavily on Lucas's heart.  He is very concerned for his older brother's spiritual condition.  And if/when that changes...Lucas is going to be the first one in tears.  He continues to pray in faith for his brother.
His heart is always concerned for those that do not know Jesus.  So watch out, because if you don't and you know us, you are probably going to be prayed for, just sayin'.

His prayers are always so genuine.  His heart is so tender toward the Lord.

Then there is Baptism.
Obviously, Lucas has not been baptized because he only recently learned about Jesus.
But, when our church does baptism, it also involves a profession of faith and observation of the amazing things God has done in people's lives.  Some of these are children.  Most of the time during the baptism portion the kids are not there because they are in the kid programming.  But, sometimes Lucas likes to come in to the worship part of church before he goes to the kid stuff.  The last 2 times the "tanks" have been set up and Lucas has seen them, he has gotten SOOO excited.  He says, "I wanna do that"!  Now, this cannot be taken lightly, but oh my goodness.  He is so excited to think he could potentially be baptized.  How many of us are that excited?  Again he blows me away.  We will be talking to him further about it's meaning and commitment, etc.  but my heart just leaps for joy when I think about what the Lord is doing in his life.

i love this boy.

the face of...

What does the face of.....look like to you?

an orphan
unemployment
a troubled teen
a homeless person
a teen on heroine
a neighbor who has been unfaithful
death of a child
an alcholic
a church going through split and division
childhood cancer (or any cancer)
atheism
police officer killed in the line of duty
care for aging parents

of course this list could go on.
It seems over the past several years either more and more of this has risen to the surface in my life or I'm noticing it more.
But, either way, the face of it doesn't always look the way I expected.  And it has caused me to take pause.
In some cases I've had to come face to face with my own ugly judgement.
In some cases I've had to come face to face with unanswered questions.
In other cases I've had to come face to face with pre conceived notions.
In yet other cases simply just frustration and anger have surfaced.

Recently, I began to study the Compassion of Jesus.  And I was reminded that He faced all of these things and carried them all to the Cross.  I've learned about Love and been challenged to put it into practice in very real ways.  I've faced some of my own "ugly" responses that are not compassionate at all.  I've learned to treat ALL people with dignity--which means not that I should have an attitude of "rescue" (that's really the job of Christ)...but instead I should have the attitude of Compassion and also allow give and take in the relationship.

One of the biggest realities that has struck is the face of...a homeless person...is not what we always think.  And our sweet new friend L. (rather not say his full name)...who lives in a tent next to the property of our church, really is simply a person, seeking friendship.  I shake my head as I think about how God drew us to him at church.  He always comes, and sits in the back, and long story short, we got connected.  Now, every week, we look forward to sitting next to L. in church.  And we typically go out to lunch together.  I had to be reminded by my husband that we need to be careful to preserve his dignity as we enter into this relationship.  In fact to call him "homeless" may be a misnomer.  He livesin a tent.  And whenever we talk about returning there, he calls it "home".  It just doesn't look like my home.  We had him to our house for the Super Bowl in February.  A few times Peter has taken him to lunch without us for whatever reason, and the other day as they prayed before lunch, L. prayed "...and thank you for friendship...".   I'm just ovewhelmed by that.  We have not really "preached" to L.  Pastor Louie is very good at that, so we let him handle that...=)  We simply want him to know we are here and available for him and want to simply be his friend.  Of course we pray for him and hope he has relationship with Jesus in and through this, but honestly, he has taught me so much.

Another reality struck as we witnessed the face of...a teen on heroine....recently.  Thankfully it wasn't our son, but he has a friend, who has been fighting this battle.  I just never thought I would know anyone with that issue personally.  This young man has slept in our house (mostly before the heroine issue).  I've had conversations with him and he has a "normal" family in many ways.  Lots of siblings and an immigrant family from a soviet country.  I can't believe this is what the face of heroine looks like.  And how ugly and all consuming it is.  And the helplessness of a family that can't afford "help" for him.  And the reality that this is where so much violence comes from.  He got beat up the other day over $20.  I NEVER thought I would know the face of heroine.  Right now I'm just on my knees for him and his family.  Feeling slightly helpless.  But, leaning into the Lord for guidance and if there is anything we can do knowing Jesus is Enough for Today.

I never thought I would walk so closely with the face of....an athiest...I never thought it would be my own flesh and blood.  Yet, I have been challenged in more ways than one to learn and put LOVE into practice and enter the Compassion of Jesus.  Putting judgement aside, yet speaking truth in Love.  Arms always open to recieving him and loving him and walking him through dark days.  I've seen so much healing.  This area is still a challenge.  But, I've had to come face to face with my own pride, my own sin.  I've had to grieve, and yet pray with Hope.  Give love but not always receive it. (although I have to say he has come a LONG way and recently some major changes are immerging). I have had to hold my tongue on more than one ocassion.  And realize...I'm not really a whole lot different.  How many times do I walk through life trying to "handle" things as if God doesn't exist?  Too many.  Am I really any different than my athiest son?  Yes, I know I can always return.  And I do always know God is present even when I'm stupid.  So that is different.  However, I have to caution myself not to walk in judgement.  I treat God poorly at times too.  I need to realize what he needs to see in me is Love and Truth lived out.
If you don't think that is a challenge...

And if you've read this blog at all you know we have definitely experienced the face of ...an orphan...become a member of our family.  This remains a bumpy road, but I remain amazed at what God has done in the life of this boy.  Lucas has taught me more about what I believe and who I cling to than I ever could have imagined.  I've had to face my own "ugly"...when I let his issues cause me to boil inside and want to explode.  I've had outbursts that I've wanted to retract.  I've lost patience when I "know better".  I've take things out on him that I regret.  But, he has also taught me what the face of "forgiveness" looks like when he crawls into bed to snuggle like nothing ever happened.  The face of an orphan no longer exists really.  He is simply our boy.  Now that is a miracle I will never fully understand.

So why has God brought all these realities and "faces" into my life?  Perhaps it is to experience more of His Compassion. Perhaps I was walking through life a little naive.  And he said to me..."you really want to know the Compassion of Christ?"..."well here you go"...you have to know the ugly to know the reality of what He really did.  You can't truly Know the Grace God has given in His Son unless you see face to face what he really took with Him to the cross.   So here you go...greet it face to face...then you will know just a small piece of what His Grace covered.  Here's the death, the sin, the poor choices, the ripple affect of sin, the pain, the injustice, the poor, the orphan, the sick, the things you don't understand.  I took it ALL to the Cross...Every Last Ounce of it...He bore it...He carried it...and he covered it.  Fully, Completely!!
He is Enough!  For Today (thank you Pastor Louie for that reminder)!
We don't need to apologize for Christ.  We need to share Him.  There are way too many faces out there that need to see Jesus.  This should be our heartbeat.
This morning I woke up with this song on my heart...

Will you see the faces around you?

and

Will You be the Face of Jesus?

(disclaimer...in asking these questions it doesn't mean I can honestly answer yes to both...I need to continually be reminded to think this way)