That We May...listen (2 of 7)

(This is post 2 of 7)
#1 is here

For Lucas's sake, I inquired in the Fall of 2011 (just months after he was home), as much as I could about "the boy" because he was such a close friend.  We began to see how important he was to Lucas.   Our inquiries were primarily to find out any information we could for Lucas to know how his buddy was doing.

The only real information I found was his paperwork from the orphanage was currently being updated.  On the Chinese side of this equation, the preparation of paperwork comes from the orphanage and other sources and is quite an undertaking.  Not every child in an orphanage is simply made available for adoption.  The system isn't set up that way.  So this preparation on their side was necessary before anything could possibly be considered.  Then his name would be added to The List of special needs kids available and be accessible by an adoption agency. This "list" currently contains over 1,000 kids by the way with varying degrees of needs.

Our intention was to at least advocate for him to find a family.  That basically means we would share as much of his information as we could and bring attention to him on various groups and lists we were on and hopefully someone would step up to adopt him...(you can see where this is going right?)
Since his paperwork was in transition it really wasn't even technically possible for anyone to do anything to pursue advocating for him or considering him for adoption.  It was basically inaccessible.

We let that issue lay.
But, Lucas had such sweet memories of his friend, so he continued to pray for him.

In the meantime, Margaret still had these 2 precious children on her heart, having seen them personally, face to face, in summer of 2010 when her family visited the orphanage. (see previous post). She wanted to bring "the boy" here to have surgery on his foot.  She was trying to jump through hoops to make that happen.  We prayed some more for him.  She was advocating for them again on a Yahoo group I was on telling the group how precious they were.  But, again, the paperwork was in transition and nobody was stepping forward to bring home two 8-9 year olds.

Then, in May of 2012, as Lucas's prayers for his friend increased, I tried to explain to him some things about adoption that can be challenging like the paperwork, the time, the details and of course unfortunately the costs.

Without flinching, he walked over to his own bank, and handed me a dollar.  
This dollar.

He offered it to me to help pay for the cost of the adoption.  He was beginning to go there already.  Believing God would bring his friend into our family and pleading his case and need.
Of course all I could see was the inadequacy of One Dollar for the thousands it would take.
(little did I know how God was about to show His adequacy and provision)
I knew what our bank account looked like. It seemed a barrier at the time.
So I just told him to pray. again.
Is this where I admit,  that I told him to pray just so I wouldn't have to tell him "it's not happening honey." So sorry to have to admit that. Or is the 'joke' on me? Apparently, God's Sovereignty and plans cannot be thwarted by my inadequacies or the limitations I attempt to put on circumstances or Him.

My faithful, believing, prayer warrior of a son was at it with full force and not ceasing his prayers.  Who had the issue here?

As I reflect upon that precious boy's first offering, I see the trust and faith it required to lay that dollar down.  I see his innocent heart, broken for his friend, still in a place where he didn't have a family.
I see my own doubt and fears.
He did not see money as a barrier in his precious innocence.
He saw it as an investment.
He was being the most Generous he could.
It reminds me of the story of the Widow's Mite in the Bible.
It's not the size of the gift we give, but the heart with which we give it.  Do we fully Trust God or not?

For some reason I felt led to set that dollar aside--
in an envelope
in my underwear drawer.
TMI?
sorry.

It wasn't until 6 months later, in November of 2012, that I got an email from Margaret saying she now knew "the boy's" paperwork was prepared and "ready".  Lucas had been in our family for about a year and a half at that point.
I was still not "ready".
Peter was still not "ready" to even entertain the thought.
But, God was already working on opening things up.

It's important to note a few other things along the way.
2012 and into 2013 was a crazy year for us. We rode some challenging waves in our family, and I know God needed us to be available for our oldest son at that time.  Let alone Lucas.
But, nothing is wasted in God's economy.
Not time, not circumstances, not money, nothing--
When I look back at this journey and write it like this, I'm tempted to get lost in all the things we may have missed along the way.  But, God uses ALL of it to work out his plans.

By this time, Lucas-the-prayer-warrior was intensifying his prayers even more.  Peter and I were overwhelmed with the prospect of the implications of his prayers.  We weren't really voluntarily open to the idea.

"Are we going back to China?"
We'd say that, choke a little, then ignore the thought.
(noble huh?)
The thought was currently a bit overwhelming.  Both of us were on the same hesitant page.

We only saw barriers like: cost, emotional upheaval, starting over with "crazy" like we had with Lucas at the beginning, stepping out in faith again, wanting to settle in to a calmer life not adding more chaos, fear.

To be honest I'm not sure we were listening 100% to what God might have in store.  Both of us were scared and I would say tired.  Yet, we felt a tug.  And God was not letting it rest.  He was using this time to stir us.  It was not wasted time.  But, sometimes I do ask myself if we were disobedient in not moving more quickly and letting these "babies" sit there for an additional 3+ years.  To me it seems like we must have been missing something.  But, now I don't believe that.  I think God was there the entire time watching it unfold and teaching us important things.  It was not wasted time.  And even though it seems like it would have been better for them to be out of there sooner, I look back now and realize God had all the details worked out.

Lucas gave us a window into the life he had in China and compared it what he currently had in being in a family.  His prayers were powerful and turned into a plea for the salvation of his friend.  He loves Jesus.  And he wanted his friend to know him too.

In February of 2013, I got an email that said "the boy's" file had been prepared but was "missing".  We think this meant his file was likely allocated to a particular adoption agency for a few months but we had no way of knowing or tracking where it was or if it would ever turn up again.  Looking back, it was almost as if God "froze" the option in it's tracks.

We could now honestly say to Lucas.
"We can't do this right now"
Confession time:
It was a slight relief.
It sort of took it off the table for a while.
However, I began to feel some things that caught me off guard.  I began to wonder what was going to happen to him and how sad it would be to completely lose track of him.  Partially for Lucas's sake, but my mama instincts were rising to the surface.  "Did we lose our chance?"

But, Mr. Prayer Warrior didn't stop.

In February (2013), our personal challenges increased even more as my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I lived in Georgia, while she and the rest of my family were in Wisconsin/Illinois.  I felt like I needed to be there for my mom and my siblings to ride this next crazy rollercoaster.  My husband was beyond amazing and supportive as I flew back and forth spending sometimes a week at a time working with my siblings to walk mom through her journey to Jesus.

Again, "life" occupied my time and energy.  What if we had gone sooner and I would not have been able to be there with mom?

She died May 6, 2013.
That whole season of life was crazy.  That summer and even Fall were a bit of a blur as we grieved and recovered from a rapid loss.

Can I just say an illness like my mom had and her rapid decline (3 months from dx to death) and then dealing with the aftermath and grieving is just simply exhausting?  I really don't think I realized how exhausting it was until we got through 2013.  I still miss her deeply.  Losing a mom is really rough.  And adding "more" to that, could have been overwhelming.

In the midst of that however, I got an interesting email

April 29, 2013.

(This also happened to be our  6 year old son Jacob's "Heaven Date" (2004).)

And one week before mom died.

"Hi Haidi, (spelled that way by the writer of the email)

How are you! I hope this mail will find you well.

(We) found (the boy) on the shared list .... 

You can ...locate his file now.

Blessings


What was happening?

We had talked to Lucas about the possibility that we may never know where his friend had gone, because it was possible someone else had adopted him or we wouldn't be able to find his file.

But, no. 
God had just taken it off the table for a season while mom was sick.
Now she was gone.
Now he was available again.
How can that Not be God?

God heals.
And when He does, he opens our eyes to things we don't expect.
Once again He showed us life is unpredictable and we need to live our lives with purpose...His Purpose in mind.
He calls us to always be open
And it's a privilege to take the next steps.

My mom was an extremely generous woman.  And she was kind in leaving something to all of us.  Some of our personal financial struggles were finding answers.  And God was clearing a path for us.  

Stay tuned for more "crazy" we're just getting started...

That We May--made aware (1 of 7)

Have you ever felt like a story is so much bigger than yourself?
or like you can't possibly put adequate words to it?
or you're afraid your own words might get in the way of what God's purposes are for the story?
Well, that's where I'm at as I begin.

I could just cry.

Why?

Because, God's timing and the details of this story are overwhelming my soul. I want nothing more than for Him to be Glorified, yet I'm stuck with simple words to describe Him and His story.  Somehow it doesn't seem adequate.  Maybe it's because I don't have all the details and maybe I never will.  Maybe what really matters is for you to see God.  So that is my prayer.

Please please please here me when I say, there is nothing more that my heart desires than for everyone who reads it to see God's Hand and Give Him Glory for each and every step and to see the privileges He lays out before us.

We began our adoption journey in 2006 anticipating a one year wait for a non special needs little girl from China.  After 4 years of waiting (Fall 2010) and realizing the entire program was in transition, God flipped our hearts upside down and we changed our plans and moved into the special needs program.

In hind sight, when that happened everything changed.

I mean everything.

The entire process for our family sped up. We switched our paperwork from 1 to possibly 2 children.
Within 5 months we were home with our Lucas boy (having settled on one child not 2).

here he is taking his first steps on American "soil" in 2011-age 7-

one of the bravest things I've ever seen anyone do

We now know, God was already working on the next thing.  But man would we have been overwhelmed to have that information at that time.  =)  Ever been there?

God was already opening us up to something we had no idea about---
I mean completely clueless about.
Did I say duh duh duh?

Lucas is from Inner Mongolia and is considered special needs (you might not want to tell him that tho).

As soon as we knew he was coming home to us, I started getting myself hooked into Yahoo groups of other adoptive parents to seek support and also connections for him. Within just a few weeks of recieving our referral for Lucas, in Fall of 2010, I found a lovely woman named Margaret who just so happened to have adopted her son from the same orphanage 5 years prior.

(here is a picture of her son - on the swing- and our Lucas --in the black shirt--in the summer of 2010--"someone else" is in this picture too.---note the boy in the white shirt---just remember that face)

During that process, as you recall, I said we were considering bringing 2 kids home.  So, while we were still searching for a 2nd child, I spoke to her about the possibility of finding one at the same orphanage.
She sent me one name -one description of a girl with spina bifida whom they had met in 2010 when they had gone back to visit the orphanage.
Now, I'm rather embarassed to say, I dismissed that email.
But, even though I was clueless, God's plans were unfolding.
Fortunately He doesn't wait for us to get clued in before His plans begin to unfold.
The words Spina Bifida were not in my vocabulary or on the "list" of needs we felt we were ready to handle.

she shakes her head here now in hind sight at how often she misses things that are literally laid right before her feet.

Gone
Dismissed
Never a second thought.
Nothing.
Yet, for some reason, I kept every email from Margaret.

I seriously had completely written it off in my mind.
(kind of embarassing now to say that)
Hold that thought and remember---how soon in this process we were made aware of this little girl.

When we brought Lucas home in April 2011 we knew we had done the right thing in bringing him home without a second child.
He was "very busy".  He had so much to learn.  We had so much to learn.  Not the least of which was learning to communicate in 2 languages when neither of us knew what the other was saying...=)
In fact, we had no intention on going back at that point.  We were "done".

Done is kind of a funny word isn't it??
hahaha
It sounds so final.  But the reality is...God is Never "done" is He?
Don't you think He must chuckle when we say that word...Done...uh huh.

Not long after arriving home and while sifting through some pictures from the orphanage,  Lucas began to mention a friend of his at his orphanage.  (remember that boy in the white shirt in the picture above?)
-God was now making us aware-
As Lucas's English progressed, and we began to make connections, we realized he really had strong ties to a little boy around his age who was still at the orphanage.  He used "the boy's" chinese name, but since we are not very familiar with those, we didn't really understand until several months later who he was talking about.

Again we dismissed it.
For months.
We were certain Lucas would eventually "get over it".
(sorry...that's pathetic, but true)

We did pray for the boy, but we quite easily dismissed Lucas's mention of him as his "brother".

So in hind sight, we were made aware of 2 children without really being conscious of it.  One was a girl mentioned by Margaret.  One was a boy brought to our attention by Lucas.  Both were in the picture from the beginning.  Both were from the same orphanage, same province as Lucas.

(All three children were in this picture taken before we adopted Lucas.  "The girl" is on the far left front row in red.  "The boy" is 2nd from the right in the front row also.  Lucas is on the far right --holding a firetruck of course)

In the meantime....

Back at the ranch...
We had our hands full in 2011.
He challenged our parenting.
We loved him and needed to be available 100%.
He had surgery/amputation (Sept 2011) and new prosthetic legs (January 2012).
His energy level kept us hopping.
His passionate personality kept us challenged.
We even had some financial and personal family challenges during that season.

God had made us aware, whether we were conscious of it or not yet.
But, His timing was still unfolding.

The story continues...
(this is the first of 7 posts in a series)

That We May...Be Generous...

I'm going to write a series of posts about how we got here.
But, suffice it to say we have recently been reminded that we cannot outgive God.
Our generosity is simply an outflowing of what He has already done. An overflow of all Jesus gave when He gave it ALL on the cross.
And as our pastor would say we should walk through life with an attitude of "That We May"--

And so with these two thoughts in mind....It is our honor and our privilege to share with the world our plans to adopt 2 more children from Lucas's orphanage in China.  Both of these precious "babes" were friends of Lucas when he was in China.  Both are special needs.  I can't share pictures at this time on this public of a forum.  But, one is a boy and one is a girl and they are around Lucas's age.  (10-11 years old).

Soon (next year sometime due to paperwork and hoops we must jump through) the "three musketeers" will be reunited and joined into a Forever Family.  I have to be honest and say it all seems so much bigger than any story we could ever imagine writing.

Lucas has been advocating for us to bring them home for almost 2 years.  And I must say at times I often felt like Jonah--running as far and as fast as I could from the possibility of it.  It all seemed overwhelming to me.  I've felt some guilt over time because they've had to sit there and wait for us to get our act together.  But, that's really now how God works.  His timing is Always perfect.  And those kinds of thoughts are Not of Him!  I don't know why it was necessary for them to stay there an additional 3 years+ more than Lucas.  But, I do know that there were reasons over the past 2 years that prohibited us from moving forward.

But, Now is the time.
We've begun the paperwork which by the way is not for the faint of heart.

I'd really like to share how we got here and what God's timing really looks like.  So over the next several posts I'm going to try to condense 80 pages of journaling into just a few posts.  That in and of itself should be quite the challenge.

Among other themes, I will reference 2 life altering concepts that surfaced over and over again:
Generosity
and
That We May
...two things our wonderful Pastor Louie has taught and stretched us to grab hold of over these many months.

In Jesus Name, we are grateful beyond words for all He has done and continues to do.

I posted this on Facebook from today's Tyndale House email devo. about Esther:

"Whatever your place in life, God can use you as he used Queen Esther. Be open, available, and ready, because God may use you to do what others are afraid even to consider". 

yep.  
And that does Not make me a bold person.  
It just humbles me more.
I have so far to go.

So how does one decide to take on something that appears bigger than life, more expensive, costly, time consuming, and emotionally draining?  
You just do what God calls you to do and sometimes you step out into the water before you find dry land. (re: Joshua)

stay tuned for the back story.

UPDATE on last post: Amazing friend is going back

So, I realize I have not posted much in the past several months.  I'm about to jump back in, but I just had to update on the amazing way God works.  Remember my last post here?  Well, I just found out a few days ago that things have really improved for them (home since February) so much so that they are headed BACK to China to get the foster sister of their son.  In 3 months time they were able to see how God had a bigger plan than they could have ever imagined.  And they even have an amazing video from China where "mom" jokingly said, "Can I have her too?"....uh hum.  Be careful what you say.  =)

Stay tuned because we have more to chat about soon.

=)

"What was I thinking?" "Will he ever change?" "Will things ever get better?"

I'm walking a new friend through the process of bringing a new son home from China.  My heart is tender toward her and her family as they are wondering as many of us have to admit, "have I made a mistake?"
Yes, indeed I think we all have to admit that thought has crossed our minds at some level.  And if it hasn't, you are one of those that has adopted the perfect child.  Congratulations.  I do believe some people have a more smooth transition than others do.
And if you have had that thought you can erase your guilt meter right now.

I wanted to write this not to put her or her family on the spot, but because I wish someone had told me some of these things at the beginning and given me some reassurance.

Let me start with this:
Our initial days with Lucas were filled with snotty booger nose crying for hours in China.  Then it would let up and he would take off running down the hallway in the hotel.  When we went to the really cool botanical garden with the rest of our group who primarily had toddlers an babies (a bit easier to control physically at least) he again took off running in a crowd of dark haired people which required us to chase him like maniacs and almost lose him.  We went to this amazingly cool Chinese museum and I really have to admit I wanted to see the stupid place cuz it was super cool.  But, he decided to have a complete meltdown and was psycho.  I just have to say it.  I was kind of mad that day.  It was hard work sometimes.  Other days we laughed and played, but he was into EVERYthing in the hotel room.  He helped himself to the hotpot and kept heating up hot water and pouring it himself.  Seriously?  You are going to burn your entire body right here.  But, no...he was perfectly capable at 7 to handle it.  Really.  He was actually quite impressive how much he could do independently.
Ah that's it.
He was not used to anyone really "controlling" him and telling him "no".  And when we did.  He was not very happy about it.
When we went to the outside park where we flew kites...he decided he wanted to ride a cool "car" that was for rent.  It was one of those battery operated kid ride-on cars.  He got really mad that we could not bring it home with us....TO AMERICA!  oh boy!
It didn't help that we really could not communicate either.  We were trying our hardest to get him to understand what family was, that we were here with him and we would be together forever, that we could be trusted, that he didn't have to do everything himself (hyper vigilance), that pitching a royal stinkin' fit including kicking, hitting, biting, spitting, screaming, throwing things...was not going to get him what he wanted or help disobedience.  All this while he was trying to adjust to a completely new culture, new language, and even having a dog in our family that he could not beat with sticks.
Can I just be honest and say I felt like we were dealing with an animal sometimes.
Not all the time.
And when he was sweet, he was super sweet.  He loved to cuddle and get close to us--on his terms.  He was funny, and dramatic.  He was passionate about many things.  His heart has always been bigger than life.  He feels things very deeply.

What I wish someone had told me in those initial days, was indeed "it will get better".  Because some days, I questioned what we had done.  I wondered if he was even capable of connecting and bonding with us.  We could walk through days or even weeks with no issue and the whole thing would blow up again apparently out of nowhere.

Walking my new friend through her initial days has reminded me of that question in my mind.  Even if someone had told me it will take 3 years, but you will get "a real boy" in the end...(please hear my heart in that--we had some very rough days--and I wondered if healing would ever really come)....I would say it is all worth it. Believe it or not I can now say..."it has all been worth it!"  Wow that's a bold thing to say.
I know there are no guarantees with adoption.  And woundedness may continue to show up at some level.  And we have not entered the teen years yet. But, I must say, the hard days are less and less and the good days are more and more.  When the mean words fly--"I wish I was never adopted into this family", "your not my real mom", "I don't care if I'm choking the dog"...they ease more quickly...and apologies and sweet hugs follow. He has learned terms like "regulation" and it's importance.  We've learned each other's rythms and we know discipline looks different for him than we expected; food in his system is a HUGE need; sleep is essential; even after 3 years there are some little bleeps in understanding of language that still need to be worked out to help him fully comprehend some things and more.

It's a slow process.  It tests everything that is in your soul.  And it reminds you daily what our God has done when he adopted YOU into His family.  Except His family was completely and totally perfect.  Lest you think "your" family is perfect when you adopt...God will show you everyone has a breaking point.  We thought the same thing and then questioned if it was the right decision sometimes.  We did know we had made the commitment to stick with this boy.  And for us that commitment has been the glue that has kept us moving forward.  When we promised him "we will ALWAYS be here for you" we meant it.
We've also learned that we need to ask for forgiveness more than we ever thought.
We've seen Huge strides when we look back to those initial days.
Lucas is my hero.
He can make me so mad.  He can hurt me so deeply.  But, the things he says when times are "good" Far outweigh any of that.  And his Spirit is so deep and passionate.  I've never seen anything like it.

So I hope this encourages those who have the questions above.
The answers may vary but the truth is
"What was I thinking?"  I wanted to follow God's leading in bringing a child into our family with the good the bad and the ugly.  Was I fully prepared? nope!  But, fortunately God gives me Grace and strength I never knew I had.
"Will he ever change?" yep!  But, there may always be some underlying issues that we just need to realize we will deal with.
"Will things ever get better" yep! They already have and the blessings far outweigh the ugly.  God is Greater!

Thank you Lucas for being a part of our lives and teaching us things we never ever knew we needed to be taught.




****disclaimer.  I do know of great families that have had to "disrupt" an adoption for whatever reason.  This is not a judgement on them for doing that.  I'm just telling our story to offer hope to those like my new friend who may be questioning in the initial days what is going on in their family.  And to offer hope that indeed things CAN get better with time.  I do not pretend to be the final word on all families and/or situations.  I just wish someone had told me healing was indeed possible and bonding and attachment would happen in ways I never expected.

Happy 16th Birthday Jacob Georg--

It's one of "those" days again.

They come around every year.

How does it happen that another year can pass without this precious boo boo in my life?

SIXTEEN

that's a big year

a

big birthday

"Someone" would be driving this year.

I have a feeling he would have been well over 6' tall.

Would his beautiful blonde hair still be blonde?

Would he be a respectable young man?

only God truly knows (yet does not need to answer that)

his life was cut short (at least in our eyes)--

We know God's Sovereign plan was beyond our understanding.

(4 months old--about 19 pounds at this point--headed for linebacker status we think)

Today I have been sitting in a thought about his life.

I was recalling something I said to a freind just days before he died, knowing we were probably entering some of the ending days.

In hind sight it may sound noble. 

 But, the reality is it's hard to even admit I had this thought and still do.

"If God needs to take this child now, at a young age, then I would rather have him go now than to worry about him and his salvation as he gets older.  I know now that he is solid in his relationship with Jesus.  If this is what it takes to assure him of salvation or drifting away from God then ok."

Now that he would be 16. And now that I know that having a precious young child that has a close relationship with the Lord does not guarantee a teenager or adult that will walk with the Lord, I have a new appreciation for this thought I had almost 10 years ago.

It's really been landing with me today for some reason.

Holding our children with open palms to our Savior and saying "let it be so" is one of the hardest parts of parenting--and dare I say "life".  

What if God takes you up on that offer?  

I don't pretend to understand it completely.  

However, I do know without a doubt this child knew Jesus.

When we were at St. Jude's the Fall before he died (April 29, 2004), he went to a Christmas church service where he stood up and held out his hand in a very mysterious sort of way -- and Peter asked him "what are you doing?"  He said "I'm letting Jesus into my heart".  

It was a very conscious act for him.  An act that was led 100% by the Holy Spirit of God--no doubt about it.  But, his acknowledgement of it was profound.  

So 

Happy Birthday dear Son.

We all miss you dearly

and

Remember you fondly and with the crazy spirit you lived life with.

To God be the Glory for allowing us to have you in our lives for 6 years.

love you much

mom

A Praying Life- Paul E Miller

Since I kind of stink at starting a book and finishing it.  I typically start well read and then put it down part way through.  Then I forget what I read, so I pick it back up again and then begin to get new insights into what I previously read.  It's entertaining really.

This time the book?

A Praying Life  by Paul E Miller

It really is a good book.  Recommended by a good friend.
In fact Peter and I started it several months ago also and then set it down.  Now we are picking it back up again and reareading it for further insight.  This is not because of the book, but because we stink at "finishing".

So, I've read this part of the book now 3 times.
Maybe God is trying to teach me something about prayer.

p. 20
"Oddly enough, many people struggle to learn how to pray because they are focusing on praying, not on God.  Making prayer the center is like making conversation the center of a family mealtime.  In prayer, focusing on the conversation is like trying to drive while looking at the windshield instead of through it....Conversation is only the vehicle through which we experience one another.  Consequently...getting to know a person, God, is the center (of prayer)."

Peter and I have sat with this concept and it has been a big one for us.
Other things in the book also contributed to a conversation we had at length the other day.

Take a step back in our journey.
Loss of 2 babies in 1990 and 1991 tossed us into a world of chaos we never would have expected.  Suddenly we were part of a family of people that have "lost children".  Not a club you want to join.  Then in 2002 we entered at another level with a child diagnosed with cancer at the age of 4.  He also died which puts us in yet another "club".  We never would have been able to walk those journeys if it hadn't been for our relationship with God.  Yet, in hindsight--and without being too hard on our "former selves", we see things that we've often wondered about and questioned along the way.

One biggie...
During the journey with Jacob and childhood cancer for 16 months, we can look back and see the spiritual intensity.  We felt so in tune with God and like everyday we were desperately seeking Him.  We prayed like we've never prayed before.  We had prayer "warriors" around the world praying like never before (this was pre "blog" era so we sent mass emails).  Spritually, I think we were on edge often.  Our faith grew.  Our understanding of things like God's Sovereignty grew.  Our understanding of The Church Body grew as we were overwhelmed by the generosity of so many.  I wrote more journals in that period of time than ever.  Everyday an entry I think.  Prayers, Psalms, Worship songs, sermons, notes from friends, the cry of my heart, my desires and the conflict I often felt with where God was taking this whole thing.

Then he died.  April 29, 2004.  Age 6.

And our whole house literally went silent.

He had been on oxygen and the hum of the machine was gone.
His rambunctious personality was gone.
Isaac was an only child.  No sibling rivalry.

Both Peter and I felt a lull in our spiritual life for several months after that.  We still had support, don't get me wrong.  Our family and friends were great.  The Body still surrounded us.  But, something was "missing".  It was as if our desire to pray, or our purpose in prayer was gone.

We found ourselves in a desert.

We had focused so long and so hard on prayers of healing, of God's Will, of making it through the next procedure, etc.  that now it seemed as if there wasn't anything to really pray about other than our own feelings of loss (which by the way is ok to pray about--but it's a different kind of prayer that doesn't require immediate repeated intensity)

Since that time almost 10 years ago now, both of us have learned a lot about who God is and walked through various transitions and studies and learned so much from our Pastor as well.  Our faith has continued to mature and grow.

But, this concept popped out at me so strongly the other night.

Perhaps when we walk through a super intense season in our lives, our prayers become so focused on the outcome and circumstance that it's like "trying to drive while looking at the windshield instead of through it"  
Perhaps the reason we felt such a lull in our spiritual lives after Jacob died, was due to our focus.
If our focus was simply on the circumstances, and the circumstance was then "over"... we had nothing left to pray about.  And let's be honest many of our prayers were self/family focused.  Just being real and honest.

Instead of letting our circumstance be the focus...
Perhaps, we are learning, our focus instead should be on creating a more intimate relationship with God.  On being in tune with His character and being.  I'm not saying we ignored God or His will in our journey.  I think we attempted to do that.  But, I think this has brought an awareness about prayer to both of us.  And in doing so has taken our breath away.

The God of the Universe
invites us in
to a relationship so deep and personal and intimate
that it can take our breath away
if we just allow it to.

Our circumstances can surely cause a hyper intense focus for a season.  There is no doubt about that.  And God will certainly use it for His Glory when we welcome Him into it.  But, when it's over, if our focus has simply been on the "right" prayer and the "right" answer, we will be left with the feeling of walking through a desert.  Parched and thirsty and a bit lost. Looking for direction.

Prayer is not dull
Prayer is not a chore
Prayer is not simply a "list" (although he welcomes us to bring "everything" to Him in prayer so it may look that way sometimes)
Prayer is not something to check off on a list
Prayer is not simply a duty

Prayer is our honor and joy.

We fall down in worship as we are able to enter into His presence:
"'Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!' Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, saying" 'To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, forever and ever...Amen'"  Rev. 5:12-13

I think the reason we don't pray sometimes is because we don't want to take the time or spiritual energy to "go there" with God.  What if we just walked with an awareness of who He is and His presence all the time?  How would our demeanor change?  How would our decision making change?  How would the words we use change?  How would our view of that guy behind the counter change? It does take some time and some energy to change our focus.  And perhaps some "quiet" time as well--which can be hard to find.

Join me in this journey.
Prayer.
Intimacy with God.
Really.
Just simply intimacy with Him.
What a privilege.

p. 23
"Learning to pray doesn't offer us a less busy life; {God has things for us to do} it offers us a less busy heart.  In the midst of outer busyness we can develop inner quiet"