My Family

My Family
Summer 2015

Monday, April 29, 2013

a little more for today 4/29

I came home 2 nights ago from Wisconsin to hopefully stay home for about a week before heading back to spend more time with mom.  But, then I got a call from the social worker where she is staying.  Apparently mom is getting more agitated and confused and is very sleepy and isn't eating much.  I'm not sure if that is because she was alone without one of us most of today or if things are just progressing or both.  But, it was more piled on to today.  I talked with Hospice and they are on top of it also.

Then one more thing--to ponder....

The young boy (age 10) that was Lucas's best friend in China was put on the main list called the Shared List of Special Needs kids several months ago.  But then his file disappeared and went to a specific agency.  But, nobody knew which agency it went to.  Today I found out it popped back up on the Main Shared List and he is now available for ANY agency to gain access to.  I had to post about that because you may hear more about him.  Technically, people are not suppose to give too much information about Chinese kids that are up for adoption, but I know things.  I have been in search mode for him for several months (dare I say a year?).  I want to know where he ends up and if I can advocate for him I will.  So you may see more info on him here on this blog in a few days just in case someone out there would dare be interested and be praying over a certain precious 10 year old boy in China who is available and likely needs surgery on one of his legs.  I would LOVE to be able to tell Lucas that he has a family.

Lucas and I also went to a counseling session today which turned out to be so incredible and precious.  I can't go into too much detail, but God was there and evident and Lucas and I got to play together for 45 minutes and afterward he said,
"Why did you love me so much that you adopted me?"
It is so hard to explain and understand how God worked out all those details.  But, suffice it to say, I picked him up and carried him for a while and loved on him and told him I am soooooo Happy that God chose him for us.  And even though I don't understand it all, I am so in love with him.  He said he was happy and loved me too.
A treasure for today.
Thank you Jesus!

It's been a busy and emotional day around here.
I may need to go to bed soon!  =)


Sometimes I get to a day like today and wonder "what else can I say that hasn't already been said?"
I have already mentioned dandelions in previous posts, I've mentioned missing Jacob our son who died at age 6 (9 years ago today) from cancer.   I've mentioned how God was and still is worthy of being glorified even in loss.

Here are my previous posts including pictures of our sweet Jacob Georg.
Rambunctious and tender hearted:
April 29, 2011
April 29, 2012

So what does a mom say after she has been without her boy for 9 years?  That just seems so long.  He was 6 when he died so that means we have now been without him 3 years longer than we had him.  And he'd now be 15+ years old.  Not quite sure what to do with that if I think in "earthly" terms.

I had a sweet relative ask me a question this weekend and I feel like I stumbled over the answer because I haven't got just one simple answer to this question:

"How have you maintained your faith as you've walked through everything you have?  It almost seems as if it is stronger now than it ever was."

I stumbled because I don't always "feel" so strong, and I often feel as though I falter more than I should at this age and point in my life.  And somehow it sets me up as some kind of "expert" on the subject.  I don't feel like an "expert".
I wanted to come up with a sentence or two that would be some great theological answer.  
I think I responded by saying there is one thing I've known to be true 
(in and through the loss of 3 children, loss of jobs, financial strain, loss of parents, major teen issues, adoption of a 7 year old boy from China needing feet amputated, moving and more.)...

God is Sovereign.
He definitely exists and is my Rock.  
His plans are beyond my understanding.
I have had some angry words with him over time, but never "cursed" Him.

I'd like to add:
He simply first loved me and I love Him

I think the thing I've learned particularly over the past several years is to approach God with awe and reverence.  Not out of a fear as in panic or "fear of doom".  But, a fear as in a reverence for Him. And when I hear people say "I've got a few choice words for God on that subject", I cower.  Even now just puting that on "paper" I'm almost anxious inside.  He is Worthy and deserves all of our Honor and Glory and Praise.  No "thing" or "cirucumstance" or "person" has the power to take His place in our hearts or our lives. And we NEVER have the right to treat Him with dishonor and a cavalier attitude like "I'll tell Him a few things"...(ugh...that makes me lose my mind)

On this day of remembering I recall again His sweet reminder every spring with the bright yellow dandelions that pop up in the grass.  They return every spring about this time.  And our yard was peppered with them the day of Jacob's death and funeral.  I saw them in a new way that day.

Like most people I saw them as an annoyance, something that returns over and over again, a weed,  something "ugly".  I saw them as something to avoid and get rid of.  Something to pull out and uproot or squelch with weed killer because they messed up my "perfect" lawn.

The realization is God used them in my life and still does as a reminder of the Prayers of the Saints.  And also a reminder that my "perfect" life...well it doesn't exist.
We had so many people on their knees with us in our journey with Jacob, that I bet those prayers outnumberd the field of yellow I had in my backyard.  

Today I'm thinking about Dandelions and Prayers and how God uses the things we consider weeds in our lives to show us blessings beyond blessings.  I'm still not sure I'm able to ask for the weeds to invade my "yard" so that God can grow character and show me more blessing.  But, I do know without a shadow of a doubt that if he does do that, I will survive because He is still Sovereign and He gathers every tear and holds it gently in the palm of his hand.

Again we remember our blond headed goof ball.
We miss him and wonder "again" how different life would be.

But, God is still Sovereign...over the Dandelions...

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Lucas's wonderful teacher

Above and beyond the call of duty.  Lucas's precious teacher Ms. FitzGerald came to his baseball game today.  She has been a God-send to us this semester and has dealt with more crazy than any one teacher should have to deal with.  
So to our favorite 2nd Grade Teacher in da whole wide world....
We love you!

Friday, April 26, 2013


We moved my mom into Woodlands Senior Park Assisted Living (4/24) and she has been placed on Hospice.  But, as is her way, she is still cheerful and has a pretty good outlook and attitude.
She is sleeping more.  And company does make her tired sometimes.

But, yesterday, my sister Linda and I were with her and just looking out her window with a view.  Mom Loves birds and nature and her room overlooks a beautiful pond with a pair of swans.

These are some precious picutres from yesterday.  Over and over again all I could think about was


To God be the Glory for this wonderful woman in my life!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

"You guys will remember this Spring Next Year"

My head is swirling with thoughts, prayers, and planning for mom.  Being tossed into the craziness of medical stuff and decision making and all that accompanies walking a parent through their final journey, is quite a full time job.  But, I would not trade each moment for the world.  Right now we are in the midst of finding Assisted Living for mom.  And many other decisions are in process.  I know a lot of people have walked this road before me.  I know people do it every day.  But, once again as I'm experiencing something for the first time, it's all new to me.  Yet in some ways it's also familiar.  I'm not really afraid.  But, my sentimental soul wants to not miss a single beat.  It's as if every day and every moment should be preserved.  I have loads of ideas on how we could move through these days.  But, honestly there is only so much time.  And it's Not all about ME!  Working on preserving mom's wishes and dignity and not setting out with my own agenda's...well that's hard sometimes.

Simply serving and not complaining.
That's hard too.

I feel like I want to grab hold of every ounce of air mom breathes as if she is some sort of prophet in her own right.  I find myself in a place where I am searching for the next thing to do to preserve her in any way I can.

In some ways she has gotten stronger, but in others weaker.

A sweet thing happened last night.  I brought along the scrapbook she and I started working on in 2007 all about her.  She just lit up and began telling my sister and I the stories of the pictures all over again.  And she didn't miss a beat.  Ok.  Maybe one beat when she read something SHE had written in it, and then reread it as if she had never read it before about 2 minutes later.  It was so sweet.

We also pulled out an old old school project she had made in high school.  Probably around 1945.  She loved to look at that and tell us all about how she LOVED interior design ideas and putting things in place around the home.  I just love entering into her world. I love grabbing for life and trying to absorb the most we can.  She even discredited herself for creating the project because she said, "I'm not that smart"...=)

Last night she said something and both my sister and I caught, although we didn't say anything out loud.
It started snowing.
And mom looked outside and said, "look at that!"...(yes it was April 12 but we are in Wisconsin and in the longest winter I have ever seen in my life).
Then she said this very prophetic simple little thing:"You
"You guys will remember this Spring next year".
we let those words just settle.
But the reality is....She said "you guys" not "we" will remember this spring.

Tender moments.
Simple words.
Big implications.

These things slip through once in a while.  And we take a deep breath.
not much more to say than that.
It will definitely be a memorable Spring momma.