That We May... surrender (6 of 7)

(Post #6 of 7)
post #5 is here
post #4
post #3
post #2
post #1

We can never enter into big decisions without wise counsel and there have been many who have given us counsel and wisdom in this journey. God has not been silent in offering His own counsel.  God has been working over many months and dare I say years in this journey. The story would not be complete without realizing that behind the scenes and sometimes even right in front of our eyes, God was revealing things to us and touching our hearts as we saw in post #5.

In August 2013 a dear friend asked me a challenging question:

“If I found another family tomorrow to adopt these kids...would you feel “relief” that the burden is gone or “regret” that you didn’t adopt them?"

That's a convicting question we wrestled with.  I found my "mama bear" showing up.  Could I really release them to someone else?  Was I in this simply to find them a family?  I suppose if I had to, but really?  Is that what God is leading us toward?

Another mama with a spina bifida kiddo said this to me after a long back and forth conversation about life with sb:

“So....just do your homework and prepare for the worst possible scenario.  If you think you can handle that....go get her(them)! “

In February 2014 I wrote down more of Lucas's thoughts and Prayers.
He prayed:

"God told me something:" (laying in bed speaking sweetly)

"If you have a chance, you should adopt them."

"...to [bring her] and [him] into our family 

... to adopt [them]

and the time has come.

...

he is putting my friends in the right hands.

...She’s always been my sister.  
[he's] about to be my brother.

I don’t want you to leave [them] behind because God really told me I could have [them] in my own hands"

God also spoke through Praise and Worship:

February 2014 at PCC

Everlasting God:
(Lincoln Brewster/Chris Tomlin)

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord 
Wait upon the Lord
We will Wait upon the Lord 2x

Our God
You reign forever
Our hope
Our strong deliverer

You are the Everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won’t grow weary
You’re the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

Strength Will rise
as we wait upon the lord

wait upon the lord

Our strength will Rise as we Wait Upon the Lord.  He alone will give the strength.  We don't have to try to ramp up our own energy and strength.  He promises to give it to us when he calls us upon us to do something outside the borders we have set up for ourselves.  

Moving forward...

In March of 2014 God spoke to Peter through reading a book 

No Longer a Slumdog by K.P. Yohannan
 p.68

“In Matthew 18:10 (NASB), Jesus said, ‘See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven.’
According to the dictionary, the meaning of the word despise is ‘to regard as unworthy of one’s interest or concern.’
Jesus is warning us that when we hear about needy children, we need to be careful not to see their plight as unworthy of our attention.  We can’t simply say, ‘Yes, I know it’s awful.  Those terrible people hurting children should be stopped, and the little ones should be loved and cared for. But there’s nothing I can do about it.’
Do you think Jesus cares about children who live on the streets? Do you believe he sees the boys and girls laboring long hours in the fields and firecracker factories?  does he identify with the pain of devastated young girls caught in the degrading life of prostitution?
He sees. He cares. He feels their pain.

Now He has given us the opportunity to see them too.  The question He is asking is, How will we respond?  Will we look away and steel our hearts against their pain?”

On yet another day, I was listening to Francis Chan--
Living a Life of Urgency
James 4:16
“...anyone that knows the good that he is suppose to do and doesn’t do is sinning...”
sin of omission (not just something that is “optional”).  "If you know you are suppose to do something based on God’s calling for you and the Word of God and you don’t do it, you are sinning."  FC  

"You are crazy...if this earth is all there is.  But, if the resurrection is real, then you are not crazy.  Surrender yourself to God.  (paraphrasing from Francis Chan)  That’s the kind of life God’s calling us to lead.  
Jesus Christ left heaven. 
That’s crazy.  
He basically said, “I’m going to empty myself of everything.  I’m doing this for the people that are nailing me to the cross.”
Be eternally minded
Wherever, whatever.
surrender to God
He is Trustworthy"

Peter and I both knew we didn't want to "sin" by "not doing something" God had called us to do.  We needed constant reminders of the call to "That We May".  The privilege we have to serve a God who gave Everything for Us.  
How could we continue to hang our heads low and be weighed down by the "impossible"?  Have we not seen God work before?  Have we not walked the hard journeys of life before?  Have we not seen His faithfulness?

This song continually showed up in worship at church, on the radio, on my iTunes...(I guess I did put it there).  So so powerful.
It is a challenge to sing/hear/worship with this song and to do what God calls us to do in it.  It cannot, and should not be sung without full surrender to God.  

Oceans
Hillsong United

you called my out upon the waters
the great unknown where feet may fail
and there i find you in the mystery
in oceans deep
my faith will stand

I will call upon your name
keep my eyes above the waves
my soul will rest in your embrace

I am yours and you are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand will be my guide
where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed 
and you won't start now

so I will call upon your name
and keep my eyes above the waves
when oceans rise
my soul will rest in your embrace
for I am yours and you are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
let me walk upon the waters
wherever you would call me
take me deeper than my
feet could ever wander
and my faith would be made stronger
in the presence of my savior

I will call upon your name
keep my eyes above the waves
my soul will rest in your embrace
I am yours and you are mine

God was reminding me once again that He may be calling us out onto the water.  But, once again HE would be faithful.  We needed to be buried in His Ocean of Grace and Trust.  We should remain focused on HIM not on Our abilities, our limitations, our fears.  He wanted us to look to HIM and seek HIM and LISTEN to what He was saying through all of these pieces of Counsel.

Sunday April 6, 2014

Peter added this to my journal:

“So we started worship this morning with the song "White Flag".  It brought me to tears.  How can I sing that song about surrendering everything to God and continue to struggle against Him when He is telling me that we are to adopt those children?  Do I surrender, or don't I?  Are these just words, or do they mean something?”

More wise counsel continues as God moves us to believe and obey...

That We May...search God's Word-"But God" (5 of 7)-

This is post #5 of 7
Post #4 is here
Post #3 is here
Post #2 is here
Post #1 is here

Lucas's prayers continued, of course, and here is just one brief example of things he prayed from August 2013:

He prayed that they would have "FREEDOM and that they are the Chosen Generation."  He thanked God for this “gift”.  

Since God was astonishing us, and prompting us in very direct ways, I needed to know more directly what he was asking of us.  I needed to search His Word and hear from Him.

One day, He prompted me to search His Word for the simple phrase 
"But God"...

why? I had no idea.  
He just seemed to say..."go look at what my Word has to say when it's all about ME and what I am doing..."
I just felt led to plug it into a search engine on my Bible app...

Let this blow your mind...

John 11:52 "...and not only for that nation but also for the scattered children of God, to bring them together and make them one."

1 Cor. 1:27 "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

1 Cor. 2:5 "so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power."

2 Cor. 3:5 "Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God."

Gal 4:7 "So you are no longer a slave, but God’s child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir."

Phil 4:6 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

These are the things that soften my stubborn heart.
These are the things that open my eyes to more of who He is.
These are the things that humble me.
These are the things that rattle me and shake me to the core.
These are the things that bring tears to my eyes.
These are the things that remind me Who is Really in Control.

Thank God He is in Control.
"But God"....did it, is doing it, and will continue to do it.

Over the next days and weeks, more things appeared:

 (a friend shared this quote on Facebook one day)

Lysa TerKeurst (Proverbs 31 Ministries)

Being uncertain and scared and riddled with doubt some days isn't a sign of bad things to come. It's actually quite the opposite. After all, if great things weren't on the horizon, I don't think the enemy would be so bent on attacking us.

The enemy.  Yep, he was on the prowl.  The closer we got to deciding things the more he messed with my mind.  So I buried myself in more of God's Word...

The story of Joshua came forward in an email devotional:

Joshua 3:1-17

If you don't know the story, read it. It speaks about Joshua leading the Isralites right up to the edge of what looked to be an impossible river to cross while leading thousands of people.  How would they cross? How could they cross? It was not possible with the equipment they had with them and all the people.

But here is the convicting thought from that day:
But God...
He did it.  
He told Joshua exactly what to do and the flow of the river stopped and they walked across on dry land. Read the full account.  God tells it better than I.

The flow of the water in the Jordan River did not stop until the priests took the first step.  They stood at the banks of the river with something seemingly impossible before them, not knowing how they would cross that river.  It took faith.  It took taking the step first before that river stopped flowing and then what happened?  
It was not just a muddy river bottom.  
It was DRY LAND!  
They crossed with confidence.
And then on the other side they set up 12 stones of rememberance.  

Sometimes all the details of the plan are not laid out before us "first".  This is where the term "step out in faith" comes from right? This story became very significant in the final decision to move forward.  
And we needed to remember God's faithfulness to us in the past.
If you know us at all, that is HUGE!  

Loss of child #1
Loss of child #2
Loss of child #3
Financial crisis
Loss of parents
Move across the country away from family
Walking through crisis with friends
Surgeries/illnesses
Teen issues
and more

But God has Always been faithful.  
Even when we have doubted or been afraid.  
HE has been faithful.
How could we doubt that now? 
Were we questioning that faithfulness?

Several days later, God continued to weave more words of wisdom into this thing:

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

This was significant in the days when I feared the unknown.  Have you ever woken up in a cold sweat from worry?  
Pray that verse.  
over and over and over again.  
The enemy has no power over THAT!

I heard sermon after sermon that spoke to our situation as well, but when we were gone one Sunday, I listened to a Sermon online given at our church from July 28, 2013 (Jeff Henderson - pastor from Gwinnett Church)

A few things popped out from that one:

“You rob God of His glory when you move forward in pride and arrogance”

“You rob God of His glory when you don’t move forward in confidence.”
(that one kicked me in the gut)

Searching, seeking, listening we began to see the unfolding of something much bigger than ourselves.  That's really what this story has been about from the start. 

It's just too much to comprehend,
But God was draw us to adoption again, 
The child we adopted was having such a tender and passionate heart and stretching us to expand our boarders even further.  
But God was flipping our hearts upside down teaching us about the Privilege of generosity and living out our service to Him with joy.

Have you ever had a season in your life where you were searching for answers and realized, God is speaking all around you?  That's what this became.  

He was writing a story far beyond our ability to create.

(to be continued...)

That We May...astonished, shaken, and prompted (4 of 7)

This is post #4 in the series
Post #1 is here
Post #2 is here
Post # 3 is here

On July 4, 2013 I got an email from another Inner Mongolia mama, Shelly, who was actually advocating for another little boy at the same orphanage.  She had some pictures of him in a dropbox from some people that had gone on a mission trip in 2011.  I thought I'd "just take a look at it", not because I was interested in the little boy, but just to "see".
He was very precious.
But, there was one thing that caught my eye.
One of the pictures was actually a video.
So, as I sat at my kitchen table, I casually clicked on it.  Not thinking anything of it, I began to see the little guy playing with those who were visiting.  He was adorable.
Then shortly after that,
just seconds into the video,
a "little girl" showed up on the video
---with a crutch
---just one crutch
I choked.

It was as if I'd seen a ghost.
My heart raced.
My heart began to break.
I was on the verge of tears.
I knew immediately who it was.
There wasn't a doubt in my mind.
I was completely choked up, and my heart was pounding out of my chest as I sat alone looking at it.

It was her!

---and as I watched the brief 2-3 minute video,
at about :36 in, I also noticed "a boy" walking behind her with a turned in foot and a football.
No WAY!
Yes, way...
It was him.

Keep in mind this was sent by a mission group that went to the orphanage in 2011.
So the kids are a lot younger in it.
I did Not seek this out.
I just "fell into my lap"

My world was rocked.
I was visibly shaking.

I was Astonished!

Could it be?
I wasn't looking for this.
I didn't ask for a visual.
It was like a precious gift but I didn't quite know what to do with it.

I was only looking to see the other little boy my friend was advocating for.
I'm innocent.

WHAAATTTT????

I hit play again...
and again....
and again....

I was still shaking.
I was still Astonished!

Out of the 100+ kids in the orphanage, BOTH of the kids were on that video.
There wasn't another video--
Not of them, not of anyone else.
And the video was MOSTLY of "her".  With a bonus photobomb appearance of "him".
Not even as much of the little boy it was intended to be about.

Have I said, I just about fell off my chair?
I called Lucas over and he verified that those were his two friends.
"yes, that's.."the girl" and that's "the boy".
I didn't have anyone else telling me who they were.
I didn't have any connections to anyone that worked at the orphanage to check to see.
But, I didn't need that.
I had Lucas.
He had LIVED with them.
He probably knew them better than anyone.
They were his peeps.

Can I just say, it's a whole lot easier to say "no" to something when you don't have pictures and/or videos that make things come to life?
It's a lot easier to say "no" without a real person, like Lucas, to tell you all about the kids.

It's easy to say "no" to a "need" or the "cost" or "age of the child" or whatever barrier or wall you can come up with in your mind until you "see" the reality of a precious person/people in front of you.

Suddenly, the impossibilities and unknowns seem to fade into the backround.
A real person is attached to a list of "issues" and "needs".
And your heart begins to soften, melt, and see the privilege God is placing in your path.
I became very nervous.
Oh my.

Of course, you do appropriate research and get prepared.  You don't jump into something like this based off of emotions only.  But, it had been over a year of Lucas's prayers remember?

We began to wonder...

Was God beginning to seal this for us?
Was he prompting us and nudging us?
I still get a lump in my throat when I recall how I felt that day.  And how many times I have seen that video.  My friend had no idea that the video was even on that set of pictures.  She was simply trying to show me pictures of the little boy she was advocating for.

(update on the little boy Shelly was advocating for with those pictures....She just got home from China because she brought him home and into her own family... that is one of the hazards of being an advocate---but a sweet "hazard"---)

I began to search around and ask an adoption agency some questions.
Just questions...
I was "just curious"...

I needed to know if "the girl" was even available or on The Special Needs List.
Remember from my previous post, China has a list of special needs kids that are available for adoption.  If a child is not on that list they are not available.  Not all special needs kids are on that list.  If she was not, then I would have to deliver a hard message to Lucas. And I'd have to rethink a few things myself.

I inquired, and found out on July 12, 2013 that indeed her paperwork was prepared. She had been on the list for a while.  I believe they also found out it was currently being updated.

Do you feel the temperature rising on this thing?
We are in summer of 2013 at this point.  I'm still recovering from my mother's loss, but God is working.  Things are heating up.

God was slowly but surely revealing things to us and seeing if we were going to follow His lead.

Since I had never really considered a child with spina bifida before, I have to say I was nervous.  I talked to Peter about it and he was nervous.  But, I thought I should at least get information.  So I found people, I learned terminology, I talked to mama's, and we prayed.  We asked friends to pray.

It would have to be a matter of deep trust and faith.  And we began to see God was placing a privilege before us.  He had shaken us up and was prompting us to do something.  This was not a burden or a "should".  The motivation wasn't guilt.  He was laying out a privilege before us and taking our breath away while doing it.

As we looked further at "the boy's" information we realized he had a foot issue that is correctable.  His issues don't scare us much.  Without sounding simplistic, he was kind of becoming a "no brainer".
Of course the whole issue of adopting "older" children is always there.  But, after weathering our journey with Lucas, we feel a little more prepared than we would have 4 years ago.
Lucas has said he has a wonderful personality.  And others that have spent time with him have told us the same.

"The boy" is almost a year older than Lucas and "the girl" is about 4 months older.  So they are very close in age.  Suddenly we are talking about three children about the same age (currently 10/11).  How would their adjustment be?  What would it be like to bring home not one but two "older" children?

We've tossed around a lot of questions.
We've prayed.
We've heard the prayers of our Lucas boy.
We've been prompted by the Holy Spirit on several occasions.

In August I got an email from someone with this quote at the top:

God Had a Dream and Wrapped Your Body Around It.

-----Lou Engle

and this verse kept coming forward in more ways than one:

Eph. 3:20-21

(20) Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, (21) to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

These are only 2 of the many promptings we heard.
How do you deny God is at work in this thing?

Some people jump right in Love at First sight with adoption.  God has chosen a different path for this adoption.  Both are valid, both bring children home into families.

For some of us, this whole thing is a longer process.  And God is always at work.  The one thing we know, is it all needs to be For His Glory.  It has to be obvious by now that this is not about "us".  

Our hesitations along the way have been merely about looking at our own limitations and not always looking "Up" to Him who can do Immeasurably More.  But, I do think God used our hesitations for His timing and purposes too.  I may never know all the answers to why they had to stay there for an additional period of time.  But, I do know God has had us on a journey.

He was shaking us up and prompting us more.....(to be continued)

That We May...be open (3 of 7)

(this is post #3 in a series)
Post #1 is here
Post #2 is here

Since the early months of 2013 all kind of ran together, I don't have a particular timeframe on this next piece.  But, at some point in all of Lucas's powerful prayers, and while my mom was sick, he had tossed in a curve ball.  
Keep in mind Peter and I were not even ready for "one" and he decided his other friend "the girl" could not be left behind either.  It turned into "both".  
He could not settle on just one and leaving the other one behind. 

what?
who told you we were even going at all?
(hahaha)

He told us the 3 of them always hung out together in China and were like ...

Well, he didn't even say the word like...

He said they were brothers and sister.  
I knew they are not related by blood, but their bond was as strong as siblings.
In China, Lucas had problems keeping up with the group because of his tiny feet and short legs.
Lucas told us "The boy" had a foot issue too and sometimes struggled to keep up.
and 
He told us "The girl" had a leg that didn't work and she used a crutch so she moved more slowly too.

Lucas reports that they did everything together.

I envision them as the 3 Musketeers.  

We were listening to his prayers and realizing God was speaking through his story and speaking into our lives. 

God was rattling our cage.
He was making us uncomfortable.
He was asking us to be Open.

The prayers persisted.

I would sit by his bedside every night listening to his plea to God on behalf of his friends.  Often his prayers were accompanied by tears.  For months this boy prayed.  By this time, I began to see we could become a barrier to this boy's faith.  He would say things like,
"Why isn't God answering my prayers?"
"Maybe I should stop praying"
He knew God could do this thing, but something was standing in the way.
Little did he know some of the issue was us.
It was all God's timing of course, but when his precious faith would waiver, I kept saying..."keep praying Lucas"

But, what I was really saying was
"Speak to me/us Lord"

All I could think about was how difficult it would be.  I was tired.  I saw my own limitations and I heard my husband's heart was similar to mine.

I knew the children were precious. That I didn't doubt. I had several "reports" of that from people who had seen them personally--face to face on mission trips or visiting the orphanage, etc. in past years, in addition to Lucas's personal reports on them of course.  He told us how smart they were in school but how he actually struggled (and gave the teachers a hard time).  He told us how they hung out together all the time and helped eachother.

In May of 2013, right after my mom died,  Lucas's prayers took yet another turn.
He began to pray with more boldness and confidence and instead of an if they come home, he prayed when they come home.
God was doing something through this boy.
First, he prayed for his friend,
Then he added another friend,
now it wasn't "if" it was "when"...

Both Peter and I struggled with it, but were praying even apart from Lucas.  We started hearing things separately from the Lord through God's Word, in sermons, in songs, in devotionals, from people.  
Yet, we were not quite ready.

During that timeframe our Pastor Louie (Passion City Church) was also doing a series called:

That We May

It was based on this passage:

1 Peter 2:9

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."

He taught us how our acts of generosity and service and our lives are not supposed to come from a place of "shoulds" or "have to's" but out of a heart of privilege.  It is our privilege to declare God's praises in and through all we do in our lives and in our Generosity.  That We May serve Him and Give Him Glory.  We cannot out-give what Jesus gave to us at the cross.  With our lives, our finances, our time, our everything.  

It was a privilege...
a privilege to be open to Giving Extravagantly with our lives.

God was opening us up.
He was teaching us through Lucas's persistent faith.
He was teaching us through His Word.

Change was in the air...
God was speaking....(to be continued)

That We May...listen (2 of 7)

(This is post 2 of 7)
#1 is here

For Lucas's sake, I inquired in the Fall of 2011 (just months after he was home), as much as I could about "the boy" because he was such a close friend.  We began to see how important he was to Lucas.   Our inquiries were primarily to find out any information we could for Lucas to know how his buddy was doing.

The only real information I found was his paperwork from the orphanage was currently being updated.  On the Chinese side of this equation, the preparation of paperwork comes from the orphanage and other sources and is quite an undertaking.  Not every child in an orphanage is simply made available for adoption.  The system isn't set up that way.  So this preparation on their side was necessary before anything could possibly be considered.  Then his name would be added to The List of special needs kids available and be accessible by an adoption agency. This "list" currently contains over 1,000 kids by the way with varying degrees of needs.

Our intention was to at least advocate for him to find a family.  That basically means we would share as much of his information as we could and bring attention to him on various groups and lists we were on and hopefully someone would step up to adopt him...(you can see where this is going right?)
Since his paperwork was in transition it really wasn't even technically possible for anyone to do anything to pursue advocating for him or considering him for adoption.  It was basically inaccessible.

We let that issue lay.
But, Lucas had such sweet memories of his friend, so he continued to pray for him.

In the meantime, Margaret still had these 2 precious children on her heart, having seen them personally, face to face, in summer of 2010 when her family visited the orphanage. (see previous post). She wanted to bring "the boy" here to have surgery on his foot.  She was trying to jump through hoops to make that happen.  We prayed some more for him.  She was advocating for them again on a Yahoo group I was on telling the group how precious they were.  But, again, the paperwork was in transition and nobody was stepping forward to bring home two 8-9 year olds.

Then, in May of 2012, as Lucas's prayers for his friend increased, I tried to explain to him some things about adoption that can be challenging like the paperwork, the time, the details and of course unfortunately the costs.

Without flinching, he walked over to his own bank, and handed me a dollar.  
This dollar.

He offered it to me to help pay for the cost of the adoption.  He was beginning to go there already.  Believing God would bring his friend into our family and pleading his case and need.
Of course all I could see was the inadequacy of One Dollar for the thousands it would take.
(little did I know how God was about to show His adequacy and provision)
I knew what our bank account looked like. It seemed a barrier at the time.
So I just told him to pray. again.
Is this where I admit,  that I told him to pray just so I wouldn't have to tell him "it's not happening honey." So sorry to have to admit that. Or is the 'joke' on me? Apparently, God's Sovereignty and plans cannot be thwarted by my inadequacies or the limitations I attempt to put on circumstances or Him.

My faithful, believing, prayer warrior of a son was at it with full force and not ceasing his prayers.  Who had the issue here?

As I reflect upon that precious boy's first offering, I see the trust and faith it required to lay that dollar down.  I see his innocent heart, broken for his friend, still in a place where he didn't have a family.
I see my own doubt and fears.
He did not see money as a barrier in his precious innocence.
He saw it as an investment.
He was being the most Generous he could.
It reminds me of the story of the Widow's Mite in the Bible.
It's not the size of the gift we give, but the heart with which we give it.  Do we fully Trust God or not?

For some reason I felt led to set that dollar aside--
in an envelope
in my underwear drawer.
TMI?
sorry.

It wasn't until 6 months later, in November of 2012, that I got an email from Margaret saying she now knew "the boy's" paperwork was prepared and "ready".  Lucas had been in our family for about a year and a half at that point.
I was still not "ready".
Peter was still not "ready" to even entertain the thought.
But, God was already working on opening things up.

It's important to note a few other things along the way.
2012 and into 2013 was a crazy year for us. We rode some challenging waves in our family, and I know God needed us to be available for our oldest son at that time.  Let alone Lucas.
But, nothing is wasted in God's economy.
Not time, not circumstances, not money, nothing--
When I look back at this journey and write it like this, I'm tempted to get lost in all the things we may have missed along the way.  But, God uses ALL of it to work out his plans.

By this time, Lucas-the-prayer-warrior was intensifying his prayers even more.  Peter and I were overwhelmed with the prospect of the implications of his prayers.  We weren't really voluntarily open to the idea.

"Are we going back to China?"
We'd say that, choke a little, then ignore the thought.
(noble huh?)
The thought was currently a bit overwhelming.  Both of us were on the same hesitant page.

We only saw barriers like: cost, emotional upheaval, starting over with "crazy" like we had with Lucas at the beginning, stepping out in faith again, wanting to settle in to a calmer life not adding more chaos, fear.

To be honest I'm not sure we were listening 100% to what God might have in store.  Both of us were scared and I would say tired.  Yet, we felt a tug.  And God was not letting it rest.  He was using this time to stir us.  It was not wasted time.  But, sometimes I do ask myself if we were disobedient in not moving more quickly and letting these "babies" sit there for an additional 3+ years.  To me it seems like we must have been missing something.  But, now I don't believe that.  I think God was there the entire time watching it unfold and teaching us important things.  It was not wasted time.  And even though it seems like it would have been better for them to be out of there sooner, I look back now and realize God had all the details worked out.

Lucas gave us a window into the life he had in China and compared it what he currently had in being in a family.  His prayers were powerful and turned into a plea for the salvation of his friend.  He loves Jesus.  And he wanted his friend to know him too.

In February of 2013, I got an email that said "the boy's" file had been prepared but was "missing".  We think this meant his file was likely allocated to a particular adoption agency for a few months but we had no way of knowing or tracking where it was or if it would ever turn up again.  Looking back, it was almost as if God "froze" the option in it's tracks.

We could now honestly say to Lucas.
"We can't do this right now"
Confession time:
It was a slight relief.
It sort of took it off the table for a while.
However, I began to feel some things that caught me off guard.  I began to wonder what was going to happen to him and how sad it would be to completely lose track of him.  Partially for Lucas's sake, but my mama instincts were rising to the surface.  "Did we lose our chance?"

But, Mr. Prayer Warrior didn't stop.

In February (2013), our personal challenges increased even more as my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  I lived in Georgia, while she and the rest of my family were in Wisconsin/Illinois.  I felt like I needed to be there for my mom and my siblings to ride this next crazy rollercoaster.  My husband was beyond amazing and supportive as I flew back and forth spending sometimes a week at a time working with my siblings to walk mom through her journey to Jesus.

Again, "life" occupied my time and energy.  What if we had gone sooner and I would not have been able to be there with mom?

She died May 6, 2013.
That whole season of life was crazy.  That summer and even Fall were a bit of a blur as we grieved and recovered from a rapid loss.

Can I just say an illness like my mom had and her rapid decline (3 months from dx to death) and then dealing with the aftermath and grieving is just simply exhausting?  I really don't think I realized how exhausting it was until we got through 2013.  I still miss her deeply.  Losing a mom is really rough.  And adding "more" to that, could have been overwhelming.

In the midst of that however, I got an interesting email

April 29, 2013.

(This also happened to be our  6 year old son Jacob's "Heaven Date" (2004).)

And one week before mom died.

"Hi Haidi, (spelled that way by the writer of the email)

How are you! I hope this mail will find you well.

(We) found (the boy) on the shared list .... 

You can ...locate his file now.

Blessings


What was happening?

We had talked to Lucas about the possibility that we may never know where his friend had gone, because it was possible someone else had adopted him or we wouldn't be able to find his file.

But, no. 
God had just taken it off the table for a season while mom was sick.
Now she was gone.
Now he was available again.
How can that Not be God?

God heals.
And when He does, he opens our eyes to things we don't expect.
Once again He showed us life is unpredictable and we need to live our lives with purpose...His Purpose in mind.
He calls us to always be open
And it's a privilege to take the next steps.

My mom was an extremely generous woman.  And she was kind in leaving something to all of us.  Some of our personal financial struggles were finding answers.  And God was clearing a path for us.  

Stay tuned for more "crazy" we're just getting started...

That We May--made aware (1 of 7)

Have you ever felt like a story is so much bigger than yourself?
or like you can't possibly put adequate words to it?
or you're afraid your own words might get in the way of what God's purposes are for the story?
Well, that's where I'm at as I begin.

I could just cry.

Why?

Because, God's timing and the details of this story are overwhelming my soul. I want nothing more than for Him to be Glorified, yet I'm stuck with simple words to describe Him and His story.  Somehow it doesn't seem adequate.  Maybe it's because I don't have all the details and maybe I never will.  Maybe what really matters is for you to see God.  So that is my prayer.

Please please please here me when I say, there is nothing more that my heart desires than for everyone who reads it to see God's Hand and Give Him Glory for each and every step and to see the privileges He lays out before us.

We began our adoption journey in 2006 anticipating a one year wait for a non special needs little girl from China.  After 4 years of waiting (Fall 2010) and realizing the entire program was in transition, God flipped our hearts upside down and we changed our plans and moved into the special needs program.

In hind sight, when that happened everything changed.

I mean everything.

The entire process for our family sped up. We switched our paperwork from 1 to possibly 2 children.
Within 5 months we were home with our Lucas boy (having settled on one child not 2).

here he is taking his first steps on American "soil" in 2011-age 7-

one of the bravest things I've ever seen anyone do

We now know, God was already working on the next thing.  But man would we have been overwhelmed to have that information at that time.  =)  Ever been there?

God was already opening us up to something we had no idea about---
I mean completely clueless about.
Did I say duh duh duh?

Lucas is from Inner Mongolia and is considered special needs (you might not want to tell him that tho).

As soon as we knew he was coming home to us, I started getting myself hooked into Yahoo groups of other adoptive parents to seek support and also connections for him. Within just a few weeks of recieving our referral for Lucas, in Fall of 2010, I found a lovely woman named Margaret who just so happened to have adopted her son from the same orphanage 5 years prior.

(here is a picture of her son - on the swing- and our Lucas --in the black shirt--in the summer of 2010--"someone else" is in this picture too.---note the boy in the white shirt---just remember that face)

During that process, as you recall, I said we were considering bringing 2 kids home.  So, while we were still searching for a 2nd child, I spoke to her about the possibility of finding one at the same orphanage.
She sent me one name -one description of a girl with spina bifida whom they had met in 2010 when they had gone back to visit the orphanage.
Now, I'm rather embarassed to say, I dismissed that email.
But, even though I was clueless, God's plans were unfolding.
Fortunately He doesn't wait for us to get clued in before His plans begin to unfold.
The words Spina Bifida were not in my vocabulary or on the "list" of needs we felt we were ready to handle.

she shakes her head here now in hind sight at how often she misses things that are literally laid right before her feet.

Gone
Dismissed
Never a second thought.
Nothing.
Yet, for some reason, I kept every email from Margaret.

I seriously had completely written it off in my mind.
(kind of embarassing now to say that)
Hold that thought and remember---how soon in this process we were made aware of this little girl.

When we brought Lucas home in April 2011 we knew we had done the right thing in bringing him home without a second child.
He was "very busy".  He had so much to learn.  We had so much to learn.  Not the least of which was learning to communicate in 2 languages when neither of us knew what the other was saying...=)
In fact, we had no intention on going back at that point.  We were "done".

Done is kind of a funny word isn't it??
hahaha
It sounds so final.  But the reality is...God is Never "done" is He?
Don't you think He must chuckle when we say that word...Done...uh huh.

Not long after arriving home and while sifting through some pictures from the orphanage,  Lucas began to mention a friend of his at his orphanage.  (remember that boy in the white shirt in the picture above?)
-God was now making us aware-
As Lucas's English progressed, and we began to make connections, we realized he really had strong ties to a little boy around his age who was still at the orphanage.  He used "the boy's" chinese name, but since we are not very familiar with those, we didn't really understand until several months later who he was talking about.

Again we dismissed it.
For months.
We were certain Lucas would eventually "get over it".
(sorry...that's pathetic, but true)

We did pray for the boy, but we quite easily dismissed Lucas's mention of him as his "brother".

So in hind sight, we were made aware of 2 children without really being conscious of it.  One was a girl mentioned by Margaret.  One was a boy brought to our attention by Lucas.  Both were in the picture from the beginning.  Both were from the same orphanage, same province as Lucas.

(All three children were in this picture taken before we adopted Lucas.  "The girl" is on the far left front row in red.  "The boy" is 2nd from the right in the front row also.  Lucas is on the far right --holding a firetruck of course)

In the meantime....

Back at the ranch...
We had our hands full in 2011.
He challenged our parenting.
We loved him and needed to be available 100%.
He had surgery/amputation (Sept 2011) and new prosthetic legs (January 2012).
His energy level kept us hopping.
His passionate personality kept us challenged.
We even had some financial and personal family challenges during that season.

God had made us aware, whether we were conscious of it or not yet.
But, His timing was still unfolding.

The story continues...
(this is the first of 7 posts in a series)

That We May...Be Generous...

I'm going to write a series of posts about how we got here.
But, suffice it to say we have recently been reminded that we cannot outgive God.
Our generosity is simply an outflowing of what He has already done. An overflow of all Jesus gave when He gave it ALL on the cross.
And as our pastor would say we should walk through life with an attitude of "That We May"--

And so with these two thoughts in mind....It is our honor and our privilege to share with the world our plans to adopt 2 more children from Lucas's orphanage in China.  Both of these precious "babes" were friends of Lucas when he was in China.  Both are special needs.  I can't share pictures at this time on this public of a forum.  But, one is a boy and one is a girl and they are around Lucas's age.  (10-11 years old).

Soon (next year sometime due to paperwork and hoops we must jump through) the "three musketeers" will be reunited and joined into a Forever Family.  I have to be honest and say it all seems so much bigger than any story we could ever imagine writing.

Lucas has been advocating for us to bring them home for almost 2 years.  And I must say at times I often felt like Jonah--running as far and as fast as I could from the possibility of it.  It all seemed overwhelming to me.  I've felt some guilt over time because they've had to sit there and wait for us to get our act together.  But, that's really now how God works.  His timing is Always perfect.  And those kinds of thoughts are Not of Him!  I don't know why it was necessary for them to stay there an additional 3 years+ more than Lucas.  But, I do know that there were reasons over the past 2 years that prohibited us from moving forward.

But, Now is the time.
We've begun the paperwork which by the way is not for the faint of heart.

I'd really like to share how we got here and what God's timing really looks like.  So over the next several posts I'm going to try to condense 80 pages of journaling into just a few posts.  That in and of itself should be quite the challenge.

Among other themes, I will reference 2 life altering concepts that surfaced over and over again:
Generosity
and
That We May
...two things our wonderful Pastor Louie has taught and stretched us to grab hold of over these many months.

In Jesus Name, we are grateful beyond words for all He has done and continues to do.

I posted this on Facebook from today's Tyndale House email devo. about Esther:

"Whatever your place in life, God can use you as he used Queen Esther. Be open, available, and ready, because God may use you to do what others are afraid even to consider". 

yep.  
And that does Not make me a bold person.  
It just humbles me more.
I have so far to go.

So how does one decide to take on something that appears bigger than life, more expensive, costly, time consuming, and emotionally draining?  
You just do what God calls you to do and sometimes you step out into the water before you find dry land. (re: Joshua)

stay tuned for the back story.