Beyond the Beyond and That We May

This is the verse I've been landing on in the past few days.

²⁰ Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, ²¹ to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.

Ever have God stretch you in areas that appear beyond what you think you can imagine or handle?  Well, He's in that process with me/us right now.  
Decision making about life changing opportunities.
Suffice it to say, things are happening in this house that are going to once again stretch me/us to a place where I may not have gone by choice.  It is still a choice to "go there"...in a way. 
Yet, in another way I almost feel like we Don't have a choice but to "go there".

Right now I cannot give all the details.

All I know is He is in process and we are overwhelmed by the possibilities of what He may be doing.  

Pastor Louie's sermon series is titled:

 "That We May"

God doesn't need anything from us.  He is here to Give to Us.
If you want a big harvest then give generously (this isn't about trying to buy your way to heaven it's about watching God wreck your life)

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, THAT YOU MAY declare the prases of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."  1 Peter 2:9

It is our privelege to worship--to serve Him--to Give Generously--to obey.  

Sometimes it's just a little scary to step out of the boat if you know what I mean.

Yesterday as Peter and I were discussing some of this I asked him,

"So if we do this thing...it could be challenging and hard and life changing.  If we don't do this thing do we get to say, 'I'm relieved we didn't do that, whew that was close?' "...
we both laughed and then we took a break from talking about it for a little while.

Prayer would be appreciated so we remain aligned with His Will and His desire and learn about the privelege of "That We May".

Mom

I recently realized that I never really finished mom's story on my blog.  I was maintaining a Caring Bridge site for her during her journey.
She was truly a precious lady.
She went to be with Jesus on May 6, 2013 in my hometown in Wisconsin.

We believe she had pancreatic cancer.  It acted that way, but we really never got a definitive diagnosis because she decided she didn't want any further testing done and no matter what it was she was not going to do chemo.  She was a brave lady that knew Jesus.  She wanted to live in Today and not worry about tomorrow.  She wanted to live "until the Good Lord took her Home".  And she taught us well how to do that.  
Her first indication of illness was February 13, 2013, when she fell in her home and broke her right elbow.  We believe this was due to weakness and some other things probably already going on.  
She went home to be with her Lord just under 3 months later, May 6.--stunning really how fast it all went, but also such a huge blessing for her.  She dealt with very little pain (except in a broken elbow).  It was all so very peaceful in many ways.

We moved her from rehab to a beautiful facility with great care on April 26 and she was gone by May 6.  Nobody would have ever seen it coming that fast.  12 days.  I came home to Georgia on a Sunday and turned around and headed back on a Thursday and that Friday she had a lucid day and the weekend she was pretty out of it and gone by Monday.

My siblings and their spouses and children and several friends and her sister and family all had chances to say their good byes to her.  Everyone took their time with her and sat with her even when it appeared she wasn't aware.  

Isaac and I were in the room with her when she literally took her final breaths.  It was very peaceful and he was glad to be there.

On that Friday, May 3, she really shared with my sister and I some sweet moments.

We feel as tho she gave us a window into heaven and what she was experiencing.  But, also had messages she wanted to leave with us.  As she faded in and out she would say a few things.

Here are some of the blessings she shared: (most of this was in brief moments and she would be looking up at the ceiling as if she was seeing and experiencing things--she spoke in whispered/slurred tones)

Glimpses into heaven: 

“The Stars are so bright”

“His Grace is full of Grace”

bright sky

“Full of Light and Power”

“The children that you see...they’re filled with your power”

I can’t explain it.  

alleluia lord

i can see your face, I can see your face, I can see your face

sigh

alleluia,

(she started this on her own and we joined her)

halelluia, haleluia, halleluia, halleluia (like the halleluia chorus)

(here’s one that made us laugh, but it could be Biblical characters)

“I see Peter, Paul, and Mary’

“And your dad does too”...

“you all saw him too”

wasnt it a glorious glorious day

”He had on a red plaid shirt”

“daddy”

At one point she wanted to clear the air and have truth spoken so she asked us to tell her the truth.

tell me the truth

(my brother randy said :“you’re going to go to heaven mom”)

mom: “I know I am”---very clearly

“when?”

smile

hi randy

kissed through air smack

‘you dont have to pretend

its about new birth

no more pretending

please stop the pretending

no more pretending

(still adjusting pillows)

im so tired

makes me sick to pretend

lets do something else

im so tired of pretending

lots of mumbly slurry talk having a hard time hearing us

“It’s so peaceful Lord”

“All the Little Children Love Jesus”

In the evening mom told Randy 

“release me now” (verify with randy what she said)

“Each child lives in a holy place”

“They live their own lives”

“I see a candle light”

in a pleading sort of voice she said, “I’ve been waiting so long”

“I love you all so much”

“Jesus Take me Home”

“God is so Good”

She saw “All the people around Him

Messages for us:

He loves you so much, thank you.

We love you

tears/anguish...

“May they always love you Lord, may they never ever turn away from you may they never ever fall away from you”

You are His light

They are full of Truth

May they always be with your love. may they never ever fall away from you.  tears..may they Love you Lord.  

Hug your little ones. Hug everyone.  I just love you so much.

...

may all your children be at your side.

wheres randy

ok whose the next one

scott and heidi

landy

linda

im here

heidis here

scott is not here

just hug me

just hug me, gently

im doin good

“I love you so much”

“I just cant explain it to you”

“release them to heaven Lord that they may have a holy life in God’s holy place, 

God’s holy place.”

“They all have to know--it is real” almost tears in her eyes and a plea

later in the day when Randy was by her side she kept saying, 

“Shorten the road”...

“May they not cry, going home to heaven”

“that’s why you brought me here”

“Thank you Jesus”

“Hug and love each one”

she smiled

“Hug to each one of the grand children”

“I love each one”

“It’s so easy Lord”

he nurse was talking to her about the pretty spring flowers and the tulips coming up soon.  Mom said:

“For the rest of you what a miracle”

Todd (next door neighbor visited on May 3) 

she told him “we had a good life together”

There were so many precious moments with her.

The things that people said about her at the viewing were sweet and kind.

There were a few precious themes...

1.  all the ladies/ and some gentlemen that played cards with her (Bridge and Sheepshead)

2.  people at church who knew her for years

3.  many people talked about how her smile lit up the room and she made people feel good to be there.

4.  her real estate years/buddies/ people she sold houses to and for.

5.  her work with New Beginnings where she started a home for unwed mothers to help them out so they didn't feel like they had to have abortions.

6. Living as if today is what matters and being thankful for today.

7. loving Jesus and living out her faith\

8.  going out to lunch -- a LOT!  =)

I think the weird part for me was reconciling the seriousness of all of this with my mom's personality.  It still doesn't quite fit together.  She was a happy person for the most part and loved to laugh and enjoyed people so much.  She loved to laugh at herself which made life so fun in many ways. Death just seems way too serious to go alongside my mom and who she was.  Perhaps that's why I still smile even as I'm writing this.  

And I will really miss that crazy lady.  

I will also miss the wisdom of a momma.

And now. 

I kind of feel like an orphan at age 47. 

Isn't that the weirdest thing?

Even if you don't talk to them often or seem them a lot or live 5 states away, you always know they are there.  It's just weird to know they are both gone now.  Weird.

The assurance of her salvation gives me comfort beyond words.  And to have walked so closely with her in her journey, I think helped with the rapidness with which it all occurred.  Although I'm still a bit stunned by that last 12 days.  

Now the icky stuff starts with sorting through stuff.  But, to be honest, one of the gifts mom left us with was not being too much of a packrat.  She really was a pretty simple person, especially after my dad died.  It will still be a lot of work, but not as bad as it could have been.

Thanks for that mom. You are an inspiration to me to get my junk cleared OUT!

Jesus, hold my momma close.  And let her know we miss her and love her much.

a little more for today 4/29

I came home 2 nights ago from Wisconsin to hopefully stay home for about a week before heading back to spend more time with mom.  But, then I got a call from the social worker where she is staying.  Apparently mom is getting more agitated and confused and is very sleepy and isn't eating much.  I'm not sure if that is because she was alone without one of us most of today or if things are just progressing or both.  But, it was more piled on to today.  I talked with Hospice and they are on top of it also.

Then one more thing--to ponder....

The young boy (age 10) that was Lucas's best friend in China was put on the main list called the Shared List of Special Needs kids several months ago.  But then his file disappeared and went to a specific agency.  But, nobody knew which agency it went to.  Today I found out it popped back up on the Main Shared List and he is now available for ANY agency to gain access to.  I had to post about that because you may hear more about him.  Technically, people are not suppose to give too much information about Chinese kids that are up for adoption, but I know things.  I have been in search mode for him for several months (dare I say a year?).  I want to know where he ends up and if I can advocate for him I will.  So you may see more info on him here on this blog in a few days just in case someone out there would dare be interested and be praying over a certain precious 10 year old boy in China who is available and likely needs surgery on one of his legs.  I would LOVE to be able to tell Lucas that he has a family.

Lucas and I also went to a counseling session today which turned out to be so incredible and precious.  I can't go into too much detail, but God was there and evident and Lucas and I got to play together for 45 minutes and afterward he said,
"Why did you love me so much that you adopted me?"
It is so hard to explain and understand how God worked out all those details.  But, suffice it to say, I picked him up and carried him for a while and loved on him and told him I am soooooo Happy that God chose him for us.  And even though I don't understand it all, I am so in love with him.  He said he was happy and loved me too.
A treasure for today.
Thank you Jesus!

It's been a busy and emotional day around here.
I may need to go to bed soon!  =)

Dandelions--4/29/04--

Sometimes I get to a day like today and wonder "what else can I say that hasn't already been said?"
I have already mentioned dandelions in previous posts, I've mentioned missing Jacob our son who died at age 6 (9 years ago today) from cancer.   I've mentioned how God was and still is worthy of being glorified even in loss.

Here are my previous posts including pictures of our sweet Jacob Georg.
Rambunctious and tender hearted:
April 29, 2011
April 29, 2012

So what does a mom say after she has been without her boy for 9 years?  That just seems so long.  He was 6 when he died so that means we have now been without him 3 years longer than we had him.  And he'd now be 15+ years old.  Not quite sure what to do with that if I think in "earthly" terms.

I had a sweet relative ask me a question this weekend and I feel like I stumbled over the answer because I haven't got just one simple answer to this question:

"How have you maintained your faith as you've walked through everything you have?  It almost seems as if it is stronger now than it ever was."

I stumbled because I don't always "feel" so strong, and I often feel as though I falter more than I should at this age and point in my life.  And somehow it sets me up as some kind of "expert" on the subject.  I don't feel like an "expert".

I wanted to come up with a sentence or two that would be some great theological answer.  

I think I responded by saying there is one thing I've known to be true 

(in and through the loss of 3 children, loss of jobs, financial strain, loss of parents, major teen issues, adoption of a 7 year old boy from China needing feet amputated, moving and more.)...

God is Sovereign.

He definitely exists and is my Rock.  

His plans are beyond my understanding.

I have had some angry words with him over time, but never "cursed" Him.

I'd like to add:

He simply first loved me and I love Him

I think the thing I've learned particularly over the past several years is to approach God with awe and reverence.  Not out of a fear as in panic or "fear of doom".  But, a fear as in a reverence for Him. And when I hear people say "I've got a few choice words for God on that subject", I cower.  Even now just puting that on "paper" I'm almost anxious inside.  He is Worthy and deserves all of our Honor and Glory and Praise.  No "thing" or "cirucumstance" or "person" has the power to take His place in our hearts or our lives. And we NEVER have the right to treat Him with dishonor and a cavalier attitude like "I'll tell Him a few things"...(ugh...that makes me lose my mind)

On this day of remembering I recall again His sweet reminder every spring with the bright yellow dandelions that pop up in the grass.  They return every spring about this time.  And our yard was peppered with them the day of Jacob's death and funeral.  I saw them in a new way that day.

Like most people I saw them as an annoyance, something that returns over and over again, a weed,  something "ugly".  I saw them as something to avoid and get rid of.  Something to pull out and uproot or squelch with weed killer because they messed up my "perfect" lawn.

The realization is God used them in my life and still does as a reminder of the Prayers of the Saints.  And also a reminder that my "perfect" life...well it doesn't exist.

We had so many people on their knees with us in our journey with Jacob, that I bet those prayers outnumberd the field of yellow I had in my backyard.  

Today I'm thinking about Dandelions and Prayers and how God uses the things we consider weeds in our lives to show us blessings beyond blessings.  I'm still not sure I'm able to ask for the weeds to invade my "yard" so that God can grow character and show me more blessing.  But, I do know without a shadow of a doubt that if he does do that, I will survive because He is still Sovereign and He gathers every tear and holds it gently in the palm of his hand.

Again we remember our blond headed goof ball.

We miss him and wonder "again" how different life would be.

But, God is still Sovereign...over the Dandelions...

Lucas's wonderful teacher

Above and beyond the call of duty.  Lucas's precious teacher Ms. FitzGerald came to his baseball game today.  She has been a God-send to us this semester and has dealt with more crazy than any one teacher should have to deal with.  

So to our favorite 2nd Grade Teacher in da whole wide world....

THANK YOU!!!!

We love you!

Serenity

We moved my mom into Woodlands Senior Park Assisted Living (4/24) and she has been placed on Hospice.  But, as is her way, she is still cheerful and has a pretty good outlook and attitude.
She is sleeping more.  And company does make her tired sometimes.

But, yesterday, my sister Linda and I were with her and just looking out her window with a view.  Mom Loves birds and nature and her room overlooks a beautiful pond with a pair of swans.

These are some precious picutres from yesterday.  Over and over again all I could think about was

Serenity

To God be the Glory for this wonderful woman in my life!

"You guys will remember this Spring Next Year"

My head is swirling with thoughts, prayers, and planning for mom.  Being tossed into the craziness of medical stuff and decision making and all that accompanies walking a parent through their final journey, is quite a full time job.  But, I would not trade each moment for the world.  Right now we are in the midst of finding Assisted Living for mom.  And many other decisions are in process.  I know a lot of people have walked this road before me.  I know people do it every day.  But, once again as I'm experiencing something for the first time, it's all new to me.  Yet in some ways it's also familiar.  I'm not really afraid.  But, my sentimental soul wants to not miss a single beat.  It's as if every day and every moment should be preserved.  I have loads of ideas on how we could move through these days.  But, honestly there is only so much time.  And it's Not all about ME!  Working on preserving mom's wishes and dignity and not setting out with my own agenda's...well that's hard sometimes.

Simply serving and not complaining.
That's hard too.

I feel like I want to grab hold of every ounce of air mom breathes as if she is some sort of prophet in her own right.  I find myself in a place where I am searching for the next thing to do to preserve her in any way I can.

In some ways she has gotten stronger, but in others weaker.

A sweet thing happened last night.  I brought along the scrapbook she and I started working on in 2007 all about her.  She just lit up and began telling my sister and I the stories of the pictures all over again.  And she didn't miss a beat.  Ok.  Maybe one beat when she read something SHE had written in it, and then reread it as if she had never read it before about 2 minutes later.  It was so sweet.

We also pulled out an old old school project she had made in high school.  Probably around 1945.  She loved to look at that and tell us all about how she LOVED interior design ideas and putting things in place around the home.  I just love entering into her world. I love grabbing for life and trying to absorb the most we can.  She even discredited herself for creating the project because she said, "I'm not that smart"...=)

Last night she said something and both my sister and I caught, although we didn't say anything out loud.
It started snowing.
And mom looked outside and said, "look at that!"...(yes it was April 12 but we are in Wisconsin and in the longest winter I have ever seen in my life).
Then she said this very prophetic simple little thing:"You

"You guys will remember this Spring next year".

we let those words just settle.
But the reality is....She said "you guys" not "we" will remember this spring.

Tender moments.
Simple words.
Big implications.

These things slip through once in a while.  And we take a deep breath.
not much more to say than that.
It will definitely be a memorable Spring momma.