taxes and tears...

But, not the reason you would think.
Yes, doing taxes makes me cry, but today tears came for a less obvious reason.

We have to file a special form for our completed adoption in 2011.
It should work out in our favor and we are so grateful for this credit.
But, it forced me to go searching through paperwork from our trip.
All the official stuff from China.
I had to dig a little.
I had to sort receipts.
I smiled as I recalled certain aspects of our trip.
And
It makes me want to go back.

But, I never really looked at some of the translated documents before.  And I ran across one that brought tears.

Perhaps this is too personal, but I'm that kind of person.

Maybe someday, I will remove this post, but I just had to share my heart for a moment.
As you might expect there are loads of Chinese documents and most of them are translated into English.  But, I never really read them closely.  However, today I was given the gift of a silent house for about 4 hours while everyone was gone.  I actually looked at them in more detail.  And this paragraph made me cry...the title alone should be enough to "get ya'"

Abandonment Statement

"(his name)SW, male, born Jan. 26, 2004, was found abandoned at (named) Petrol Station, (and details follow about the "where" but I would rather not list all of that) on January 31, 2004.  He was sent to CWI of Chifeng by Policemen of ....(a local Police station) on the same day.  We have tried to find his biological parents more than three months, none of his biological parents or relatives has been found up to now.  SW is proven to be an abandoned infant."

Is this news to me? not really.  But, to see it in print.  To see the details and names of locations and information in an official document, in both Chinese and English is so heart renching to me.  Maybe it is not appropriate for me to post this info. But, it is a hardened fact, that this happens so so so so often.  Not only in China, but all over the world for a variety of reasons.  

Lucas knows his "chinese momma and baba" could not take care of him.  It's just matter of fact for him.  He hasn't really processed it too deeply with us yet.  There will be layers we will have to upack over time.  

But, the sad hard fact is....

he was abandoned.

My sweet adorable precious son

had to be abandoned so that we could welcome him into our family.

Such a boatload of emotions with that.

Guilt being at the top of the list.

But, questions like "why"?

Why did it have to be this way?

I'm so sorry his beginning was so hard.

and

I am filled with such deep gratitude for where we are today.

When he drives me batty with discipline issues like he did this week, I have to take pause.  I have to maintain self-control.  I have to recall the root of the issue.  And I have to call on Jesus to help me through the day.  I have to remember what a precious gift and privelege it is to be called to adoption.  It is NOT any easy road.  There are a lot of unanswered questions.  More come to mind each day, particularly with a verbal child with a conscious memory of his past that changes his stories about what happened there.  

Today I'm overwhelmed with the Greatness of our Sovereign God.  His plans and ways are beyond my simple comprehension. In God's economy nothing is wasted.  All things work together for Good...boggles the mind.

Eph 3:20-21

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.