I have to be honest...

The past few days have been kind of stinky.

We had a great week last week with my brother here.  They left on Sunday.

Monday, Peter talked to the people he had an interview with 3 weeks ago and they basically said "they don't have anything for him right now."

I have to be honest and say I was crushed by that news.  I've been tossing and turning it over in my head for 3 days wondering
 "why would God even put that in our path right now?"
"Why another thing to add to the pile of disaappointment?"
I'm not sure the door is completely closed on this job, but they are not "ready" yet for hiring for that position.  Other things have to fall in place first--which could be months down the road.  And maybe they want to keep their options open?  I have no idea what they are thinking.  But, since I can only see what is right in front of my my initial reactions is "Stink"!

Monday night I picked up a book that I haven't read from in a while "Jesus Calling" and read all about "Trust"...
...not intentionally.
 It was just the next devotional in the book where I left off.  After I was done, Peter just chuckled softly--I heard the message loudly and clearly...
but somehow still felt disappointment.
Sometimes it just takes me time to get over myself.
I have to be honest, I needed that message.

Then yesterday hit.  With a vengence.  Lucas was crazy!  I mean things were happening throughout the day that I haven't seen in months.  Just blatant disobedience and ugliness.
I have to be honest is was a hard day...

Finally, something sort of strange but good happened mid-day.  He wanted to play "babies".... we haven't done this in months, but it is part of the process we go through with our boy on ocassion.  He wants to be held like a baby, cuddled, wrapped up in a blanket, cooed on, picked up, etc.  It's a pretend thing, but he loves it.  He even asked to be fed a "bottle". ( I don't have any, so I used a sippy cup and put warm milk in it) He drank the whole thing while I rocked him like a baby.  It's a good thing he is a small 8 year old.
I have to be honest, this threw me yesterday.  It sort of came out of nowhere.  But in a strange way, I liked it.

At the end of the day, he had a complete and total meltdown---a throwback to early days together--snotty booger-nose-mess.  Biting, hitting, kicking scratching, and then to top it off, something I've never seen before --- he bit HIMSELF!  Multiple times--he was so angry that he could not bite ME that he bit himself all over his arms.  I sat and watched him do it but didn't really react to it, because I think that is what he wanted me to do.
I have to be honest---this was a new one and completely bizarre!  He was regretful afterward and felt his own pain.

Afterward, he finally calmed down and climbed into my lap and relaxed.

The night ended well--he slept in our room (thunderstorms) eventually ended up in bed with us and totally cuddly and affectionate.  This morning he woke up with hugs and sweetness....
I can't begin to understand where all of this stuff comes from other than his history.  I won't ever have all the answers.  I probably need some more guidance on how to get through those moments "well"...but we survived yesterday and fortunately it does not happen often...whew
I have to be honest--I'm thankful for a new day.

Then again the Lord spoke this morning....my inbox again with a message from Purpose Driven Life...

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Count It All Joy by Kay Warren

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.” (James 1:2-4 MSG) This devotional is based on Kay Warren’s new book, "Choose Joy: Because Happiness Isn’t Enough." We don’t get a chance to hide or pretend when the bottom falls out of our lives. When we get bad news or a health scare, someone dies, or our finances collapse, all our great words about faith are worthless. What matters is what we do in those circumstances. The Bible says in the first chapter of James that our “faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors” during hard times. It doesn’t matter what I say about living a life of joy and faith. What I really believe is obvious to everyone —especially to myself — when bad times come. So what do we do in those moments? James 1 says to “consider it a sheer gift when tests and challenges come at you from all sides.” Another version of James 1 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters ...” I have to be honest: That’s rarely my first reaction! I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve been initially successful at considering hard times a “gift” or “counted it all joy.” No, I’m like you. My first reaction is usually anger, despair, or bitterness — not joy or thankfulness for the “gift” of difficulties. When I react like that, I get disappointed in how far I still have to go to be a mature woman of God. But that’s exactly the point James is making. We hate the process that makes us like Christ because it involves pain, sorrow, stress, and upheaval. Yet we all want the product: spiritual maturity. James tells us not to try and wiggle out of the hard times too soon. If we do, we will short-circuit the process and remain immature little babies. I don’t want to be a spiritual or emotional baby. Do you? I want my faith-life to be sturdy and strong, mature and well-developed. I’m willing to let trials and troubles expose my faith-life so I’ll know to stay on the path until I’m finished. I want my true colors to show. Talk About It How have you allowed God to use your recent struggles to help you grow spiritually? What do you think it looks like to "count it all joy" I have to be honest, I don't really understand all of God's ways.  I don't always count it all as joy (at least in the initial moments). I don't understand His timing.  I don't understand a lot.  I must need a lot of maturation.  And yes I do desire that. I do know that He is Faithful! I do know that he offers a new day. I WILL count it ALL as JOY! I WILL count it ALL as JOY! I WILL count it ALL as JOY! I have to be honest...it isn't always easy, but With GOD....ALL things are possible! I cannot imagine doing life without God by my side.