My Family

My Family
Summer 2015

Monday, January 23, 2012

I Can Only Imagine....

A song plays on the radio as I prepare breakfast and send Isaac off to school this morning.  
And I remember...

I Can Only Imagine 

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Sun

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
i can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

I can only imagine

It was sung by our dear friend John CZ, on a Spring day in 2004 at Jacob's funeral.

Today, "I can only imagine"
 what it will be like 
to walk with Jesus and be "surrounded by His Glory". 
 "What will my heart feel?"
Will I dance 
or will I just be still?  
Will I just be in awe? 
Will I stand in His presence or
fall on my knees?

I also wonder...what Jacob has already experienced in the Presence of God, 
and what it will be like to experience that presence alongside him someday.

So why does this song hit me today?

Well, today would be 
Jacob's 14th Birthday
The last time we celebrated a birthday with him he was turning just 6 years old in 2004.

...And right around that same time 
a little baby boy was being born in China.
The date identified for Lucas's birthday is 1/26/04.  
The thing is, many times these dates are estimates...guesses...
because as is common, 
our boy was "found" by a man and brought to the orphanage.  
So, his birthdate could be "off".  
There really are no permanent records to indicate his exact age.
But, we know he was just days old when he was brought there in early February.
(here's the eternal question...could Jacob and Lucas have the same birthdate????)

This week, and today in particular, 
I am once again 
in Awe of God's Soveriegnty...

I can only imagine and look back at His plan.  
In the midst of it all, I was wrapped up in wondering if we would see another birthday with Jacob, 
but really facing the fact that it would probably not happen.  
He lived another 3 months.  
At the time, God's Soveriegnty was a big huge Question Mark in my mind.  
I wanted to go to battle with Him over His Plans.  
I wanted to give MY opinion 
 offer My Heart's Desire as a suggestion for Him.
He listened.
But, He had another Plan.
dare I say
His Plan was painful for me and a lot of other people.
It was still His Sovereign Will.
And He still deserves the Glory.

My heart aches to know and wonder how we would be celebrating with Jacob. 
 So, yes there is still a rawness to this day.  
But, I know that is ok.  
I've been through countless birthdays and anniversaries without my 3 boys.  
I know what this stuff is like.

Now, here is the surreal part of this day/week for me...

I'm still planning a birthday this week.
and it's almost like I am picking up where I left off 8 years ago...

Lucas will turn 8 this week.  
He has rambunctious spirit, determined nature, and stubborn will....
Can I just say these are characteristics our Jacob also had?  
I still shake my head sometimes ... 
God must have been chuckling in heaven the day this boy was born...
I feel like God was saying....
"Do I have a family for YOU!!"

Lucas can not and does not replace our dear Jacob.
But, can you see?
Can you see 
that even through all the pain involved--
Jacob's journey
Lucas's journey--
(which by the way carries it's own set of wounds and pain that we will never fully know.)
through unanswered questions
He weaves all the details together to make a beautiful tapestry of our lives?
We only see the underside of the tapestry, but He sees the upperside and carefully places each thread where it needs to be.  
Someday, we too will see the upperside of the tapestry
and on that day
we will also be
Surrounded by His Glory

What will your heart do?
Will you Dance?
Will you Sit still?

My prayer today is that all who read this will know without a shadow of a doubt that they will be In God's Presence for all eternity so we can sit and bask in His Glory together.  Wouldn't that be cool?  I don't even know a lot of people that read this, but wouldn't it just be the coolest thing ever to meet up in heaven? Hey, I could introduce you to Jacob, Ben and Sam...awesome! 

God has a plan for that, and I'm just going to share a small piece of it here...

John 3:16
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life".

Rom. 5:8
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:  While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
Rom. 10:9-10
"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved"

None of this:
the pain
the remembering
the hope 
the healing
the believing
has any meaning
Faith in the One who Created us for His Glory.
I'm praying for you dear ones
I'm praying that God would work
in and through our journey
and yours
to draw you to a place of relationship
with HIM
He has the Power to change lives
He has the Power to heal brokenness

Eph 2:8-9
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast."

and by the way, Happy Birthday to sweet Elizabeth today as well--my dear dear friend KB had a baby the exact same day as I did in 1998....Today she celebrates 14 glorious years!  We love you E.

Happy Birthday Jacob!
We miss you
I can only imagine
What you are experiencing today in the Presence of God...


  1. The tears won't stop but I will type this anyway - when you told me yesterday about Lucas' birthday coming up, it just didn't click like it did now, reading the above. Oh. My. That just makes Lucas' story that much more amazing and of God. So clearly destined to be placed in your loving arms and brought back here. May God minister to your healing wounds on this day and this week, and may His blessings pour down on you. We can only imagine, but until that day comes, may He give us the strength and grace that we need to get through our sorrowful times that we might give Him all the glory.

  2. I read you just about every day, Heidi. You minister to me in so many ways. I remember when Jacob and Elizabeth were born. We rejoiced long and loud at SOTR. We didn't know EK too well, but I sure do now. What a neat kid. Jacob would be so proud of her. God bless your day sweet sister. Thank you for blessing mine.

  3. Heidi, only people of faith in Jesus can understand the beauty in the pain. It comes from really knowing that death is not the end, but a beginning in Christ because of Christ. Three of your sons know that beginning, and your other two sons know Jesus so they have the beautiful hope of of meeting up with their brothers someday. The Christian faith is mighty peculiar. Thanks be to God!

    One son whose body made imperfect by cancer was taken from you at the same time your other son was born with an imperfect body that would lead you to him was all part of His perfect plan. The Christian faith is mighty and wonderfully peculiar.

    Thanks be to God.

  4. Thanks to all for your kind words and helping us remember our boy. Thanks to all who also commented on Facebook with kindness and memories. God is good!