Even after God hands down such a tender blessing like Psalm 84...I still have been working through some issues with questioning Him and wanting to hear from Him and Discern his voice. I'm a slow learner sometimes. Yesterday, (11/1/11) I was wrestling. I mean really wrestling with thoughts like this:
Do people who are driving past me in their nice cars, with their nice homes and stable jobs have a clue what they have? Did I when we had that? When you have it, I don’t think you really understand it’s significance especially if you’ve had that stability for years. I think what I’m asking for is really not that complicated...
#1 I know it is not too hard for God.
#2 I have a mentality that I deserve it--Peter has worked hard, he is a great man, he is talented and skilled, (caution: this is not a good attitude...prideful--head’s up on that one)
#3 I compare to others--”most” people have jobs and are surviving even in this economy--why not us?--”seriously, why can’t we just have a secure job?” (jealousy--ugh!)
#4 I have a false sense of security--
and here in lies the bottom line:
“if only we had a ‘normal’ job I wouldn’t have to worry”....ugh! That is my issue....I’m looking to the ‘job’ to fulfill a need so I don’t have to depend on God for every moment and for every need.
He really caught me on that one yesterday. I tried to weasel my way out of that thought pattern but no matter how I looked at it I have to admit I kept coming back to looking at a stable job with benefits as “security” ---I know better, cuz we’ve had those and lost them too, so it’s a stupid thought. But, it is a reality I struggle with.
Can I stay fully dependent on God for our Provision if there is security in the ‘job’? I want the burden to just ease up. But, if I don’t have the burden (the thorn in my flesh so to speak) will I still be able to honor and Glorify Him as effectively? Will I remain as desperate for Him to supply all my needs? As Pastor Louie brought up on Sunday (10/30) sometimes it is harder to Praise God when things are going well. We get comfortable. There isn’t a desperation for Him. I want to get a little sarcastic here and say “try me”---I mean really, like---test me to see if I will praise you if I have $1,000,000 in my bank account. Just see if I can handle it ...just once...
So the wrestling continues with thoughts of financial security and full dependence on God’s Provision--can I be fully dependent on God for every month not knowing if Peter is going to have a construction job to carry us through, or actually make an insurance sale? There is uncertainty. There is risk. There is shaky ground here.
But, in it, I must Praise Him.
I’m reminded again of this song which carried us through so many shaky days with Jacob--I sang it with a broken heart, and will continue to recall it.