(written 11/2/11)
Even after God hands down such a tender blessing like Psalm 84...I still have been working through some issues with questioning Him and wanting to hear from Him and Discern his voice. I'm a slow learner sometimes. Yesterday, (11/1/11) I was wrestling. I mean really wrestling with thoughts like this:
Do people who are driving past me in their nice cars, with their nice homes and stable jobs have a clue what they have? Did I when we had that? When you have it, I don’t think you really understand it’s significance especially if you’ve had that stability for years. I think what I’m asking for is really not that complicated...
#1 I know it is not too hard for God.
#2 I have a mentality that I deserve it--Peter has worked hard, he is a great man, he is talented and skilled, (caution: this is not a good attitude...prideful--head’s up on that one)
#3 I compare to others--”most” people have jobs and are surviving even in this economy--why not us?--”seriously, why can’t we just have a secure job?” (jealousy--ugh!)
#4 I have a false sense of security--
and here in lies the bottom line:
“if only we had a ‘normal’ job I wouldn’t have to worry”....ugh! That is my issue....I’m looking to the ‘job’ to fulfill a need so I don’t have to depend on God for every moment and for every need.
He really caught me on that one yesterday. I tried to weasel my way out of that thought pattern but no matter how I looked at it I have to admit I kept coming back to looking at a stable job with benefits as “security” ---I know better, cuz we’ve had those and lost them too, so it’s a stupid thought. But, it is a reality I struggle with.
Can I stay fully dependent on God for our Provision if there is security in the ‘job’? I want the burden to just ease up. But, if I don’t have the burden (the thorn in my flesh so to speak) will I still be able to honor and Glorify Him as effectively? Will I remain as desperate for Him to supply all my needs? As Pastor Louie brought up on Sunday (10/30) sometimes it is harder to Praise God when things are going well. We get comfortable. There isn’t a desperation for Him. I want to get a little sarcastic here and say “try me”---I mean really, like---test me to see if I will praise you if I have $1,000,000 in my bank account. Just see if I can handle it ...just once...
So the wrestling continues with thoughts of financial security and full dependence on God’s Provision--can I be fully dependent on God for every month not knowing if Peter is going to have a construction job to carry us through, or actually make an insurance sale? There is uncertainty. There is risk. There is shaky ground here.
But, in it, I must Praise Him.
I’m reminded again of this song which carried us through so many shaky days with Jacob--I sang it with a broken heart, and will continue to recall it.
ohhh ouch! you hit on some sore spots there.
ReplyDeleteI especially have trouble with the expensive vehicles and it is a problem I have. I always look at them and translate into $$$for a child to have a home.
And even though my hubby is at the same job for over 25 years...I still worry...no raises in 3 years
There I go again...you aren't the only one with this problem
I want to say "thanks"--as in "thanks for understanding"---but it is a struggle and something I am trying to battle--so I will pray for you too as you face these same challenges... tough stuff--and tough to write and admit. blech!
ReplyDeleteHeidi, I have read this blog entry and you FB post about the decision about Isaac's job today. It's all from the same root!
ReplyDeleteA person's god is who or what that person looks to for their greater good.
It can be another person. It can be a group of people, like family. It can be a job. These can all be great gifts from the True God, or through our sinfulness, they can be turned into false gods.
Wanting stable employment can be simply wishing for God to give you something you feel a need for. It's ok. Pray hard for it and work hard for it. It can also be the thing that overtakes everything else in your life. Then it has become a god and you must pray for that to be changed in your heart and mind. I see in this blog post that you seem to be wrestling with this.
As for Isaac and his decision, I see you working through this concept, but with family as the gift God has given you. Are you elevating family to something that you cannot be without? You have worked so very hard to live with the death of three sons, and to bring your new son from the other side of the world. Is this background making it so difficult to let Isaac start passing from your family into his adult responsibilities? (these answers are not for me. They are for you to help find your balance.)
For the last two weeks you have been on my mind. I have been thinking all the difficulties that I know you have passed through and why God has allowed that. I truly believe he allows that much in a couple's life because He is building them strong -especially strong - for His purposes. May His love continue to strengthen both you and Peter.
thanks Pam.
ReplyDeletethe other perspective is...
Is the "job" he has a "god" for him?----he is worried and knows our financial situation. He is holding tight to the "job" (a good trait)...but I'm afraid it is out of fear. He really doesn't get that many hours from them. It will cost us more to send him home on a flight than he will get paid. And leaving him home at this point for a week, to work 6 hours on Friday and no other hours during the week seems foolish in a way. If he was working everyday or even several days, it would seem to make sense. Taking it all to God in prayer...
The root the I see in common is gift or idol.
ReplyDeleteIt's about feeling out your heart (and Isaac's) to see if the job or the family or whatever is a gift, or has been turned into an idol.
Just think of how important it is to teach our teens this way of thought before they leave us!