We missed a lot of things in Lucas's life before age 7. I often question and wonder about those things. About the gaps in history I will never be able to answer or fulfill. There is some heartbreak in that for me personally, some grief I need to deal with.
But, more importantly there is grief Lucas will need to deal with and probably is dealing with regularly. Although he doesn't outwardly let on to that, there is inner stuff that is gonna need healing. Memories we never will have shared...like midnight feedings...or comfort when/if he got sick as a baby.
We've worked through a lot over the past year. And he has come soooo far from that confused scared little boy.
So why write this at 3 a.m.?
Cuz he WOKE ME UP!
(Exit sweet sentiment for a moment)
again the 3 a.m. thing...
And it never seems like it is because he had a nightmare or is scared or like there really is a "good" reason for it.
But, as I sat at his bed this night/morning and thought about it I realized, we have a lot of lost time to make up for. All those midnight feedings we missed. All those nightmares or days he could have used comfort that we were not there. Do I get to be angry at 3 a.m.? Do I get to treat the boy with disdain for disturbing my slumber?
Yes, we need to train him to stay in his own bed, but really, he just wants reassurance.
Sometimes I don't see it that way. Our days have become filled with normalcy and I forget his history. His need for comfort in the middle of the night may come from bad habits that formed long ago. Or from just needing to cuddle.
Manipulative? it's hard to say. But, I think I take the risk on this one and offer grace. He still goes back to his own bed---something we have been working through for 2 months or so.
But, as my daddy did for me when I was little and actually woke with horrific nightmares.....
I offer Lucas the magical potion...
A glass of warm milk...to sooth his sweet soul...
Then as my momma would do, I tickle his back "all over" (per his request)
How wonderful that he LOVES to be touched and comforted in the same way I did when I was a little girl.
As I sit beside his bed borderline whining about my circumstance and how I've been woken from my slumber, I think...this is really a privilege.
I need to remember how many sleepless nights we actually missed.
And what a privilege it is to be Lucas's mommy.
(I skipped the part where I actually yelled in frustration from the bathroom while I was peeing and said "I'm coming"---lest anyone think I'm perfect and holier than thow. I usually come to the sweet sentiment after I've screwed up...just so ya know)