My Family

My Family
Summer 2015

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

20 years ago.....

Sept. 13, 1991
Forever etched in my mind.
A small baby entered this world.
Precious and tiny.
just 3 lbs. and 15" long.
Our 2nd son.

Born early.
But, not unexpectedly.
Born to life eternal just 1 hour after birth.
Passed from this life to death in the arms of his Oma--while reading Horton Hears a Who.
Sweet little Samuel Curtis.

I wonder how much you would have grown by now.
I wonder if you'd be in college and what you would be studying.

I wonder how different life would be with you in it.

I get a smile on my face when I think about your birth.
Balloons, friends, pizza, everything "blue"--all the things we missed with your brother Benjamin the year before at his birth.
We celebrated didn't we?? We were not going to skip the celebration and go right to death and grieving like we had just a year and a half earlier. We held you even after your time here was through. We cradled you and passed you around. Our dear friends...our dear dear friends indulged us. They held you -- your lifeless body---so we could celebrate YOU! We laughed, we cried...(thank you Janice, Kristen, Curt, Julie, family and others who were there....oh what precious memories you are a part of)

We knew your life would be short once you left the comfort of your place within the safety of my womb. We were "ready" for you. We knew--(for 14 of the 30 weeks I carried you we knew)
Yet, the day we left you at the hospital and did not bring you home with us, I think that was one of my most heart renching moments. Even though your body was lifeless---handing you over to that nurse that last time and walking away---leaves me speechless even today.

As we drove home empty handed after giving birth yet heart bottomed out. I will never forget passing a graveyard on the way home and crying out to God. Yes, for the SECOND time! Would I 'ever' have a child to carry home from the hospital?

I learned from you sweet Samuel. I learned to celebrate life even in grief. I learned there are tender miracles even in death. I learned there are freindships that go beyond words. I learned that GOD is in CONTROL. Thank you son, for entering our lives even for just a brief moment in time. I promised I would never forget you...and today...20 years later, I remember.

I still love you and miss you little one --
you probably would not be so little anymore but you will always be my "baby"

Happy Birthday!


  1. Beautifully written Heidi... Thinking of you.

  2. I am so sorry for your loss. Even after all these years it still hurts. I, too, repeatedly lost children. There is nothing like removing life support, or walking out of the hospital with no baby in your arms. It is something no mother should experience. But, somehow, in God's wisdom, he allows us to grow thru those experiences. He allows us to see things so differently. And I love Him for it.

  3. He will always be your baby, and you wil always, always be his mommy. You are mom to five boys, it's just that three of them are waiting for you on the other side. Many, many, MANY years from now that is going to be one joyous reunion! St. Peter may have tell you all to keep it down for disturbing the heavenly peace.

  4. Thank you all for your kind words once again...
    I know that some of you were there with us.
    Family-thank you...friends-Thank you.

    To God alone be the Glory forever and ever Amen!