Today I took Lucas with me when we took our dog to the vet for shots, etc.
He had some major misbehavior at the end while I was waiting to check out and the lady was helping someone else. I could not get out of there fast enough.
He knew afterward that I was mad. But, I also am really trying hard to not completely loose my head in these moments (running out the door with disregard to me coming after him--into a parking lot; looking at me and saying "no"; snearing at me; yanking on Buddies leash really hard, etc) Seriously, I almost smacked him. But, didn't...
So afterward, I get into the car and realize once again the connections and try to help him process it all.
While we were in the office he saw a picture of an animal with an I.V. bag attached to it during some kind of surgery. I explained that when he is in the hospital he will have one of those too for the medicine to go into him. I realized afterward, that he was once again reacting to the surgery bit, with his behavior. So we talked about that.
I told him, I thought that there were 2 things that made him feel mad at momma in the office.
1. He was scared about the hospital and that "bag"
2. He might also be a little hungry. (I had fed him but probably not enough before we left)
I told him, instead of getting huffy and angry at momma, he should use his words to tell me he was scared or hungry. He agreed that he would try.
The interesting part about it was, as soon as he found out he was going to go to band practice to see Isaac and his friends play in the band after the appointment, he switched off the attitude. I told him he could not be this way if he wanted to go there. That I would cancel my appointment and stay home with him if he thought he was going to be ugly and mad. He said "I won't ever be mad at gege's friends"...in other words, he can be uglier than sin with me...but he choses not to act that way with other people. hmmmmm.
Part of me wants to say "hang on buster!"
but then again
I think it is good that he knows I'm a safe place for him to "let it all out". Hard as it is on me personally sometimes, I have to take the high road and not take it personally (I fail sometimes at that).
Tonight at dinner he said something simple yet profound:
"I don't like surgery!"
Both Peter and I nodded in agreement and reassured him that we were glad he put that in words.
At bedtime in tender conversation, he was bringing up the Jacob piece again. He really wants (or expected) that somehow since Jacob had been in the hospital, and is not here anymore, and he knows he is not coming home anymore, that Jacob would somehow be visiting Lucas while he was in the hospital. It's all twisted up logic. But, I had to tell him "no" that is not going to happen. He began to weep. I think he thought Jacob would keep him company. His tender tears were heart wrenching. He was grieving again for Jacob--the big brother he never met. I also told him repeatedly about how many people have surgery, go to hospitals, etc. and DO come home and are fine. I fully expect he will be fine. And soon he will have his new feet and he will be able to run and ride his bike like a crazy boy again.
As God would do, the lessons that have come up during our Bible Time for home schooling have been about God loving us so much and giving us good gifts and also about sending his angels to watch over us and protect us. (ie Daniel and the lions den). God's timing is so perfect. I am just reading this children's Bible story book one lesson after the other without regard to the issues at hand, yet God is laying out the timing so that I even have Bible verses to share with the boy.
He let me comfort him, cuddle with him, and sing songs with him as we both fell asleep tonight.
One day at a time, one moment at a time, one question at a time. That's really the only way to do this.
Tomorrow we leave the house at 5:30 a.m. for a 2+ hour drive to Shriner's for the pre-op appointment. Pray that this appointment gives comfort to Lucas and that he is able to effectively ask his questions, and find some peace.
My sister comes next Monday night late and stays through the surgery into the next week, so that will be a great help to us. The wheelchair guy was here today fitting Lucas for his wheelchair. He comes back on Saturday for more fittings.
And how am I?
I'm conusmed with getting Lucas through.
I'm slightly concerned with sleeping at the hospital and listening to the beeps and dings of the IV and other such medical equipment. I'm a little afraid of how that is going to toss me into memories of Jacob. One time about a year ago I was in a store and there was a bonging sound that sounded just like the IV pole that kept going off at regular intervals. I had to leave the store. So, please pray that I can hold it together personally. I really think Lucas is going to do great. But, there is a little fear at the back of my head that he could "lose it" and the "demon child" could show up with his feeling out of control. Either that or he is just going to take it all in stride. Let's pray for the later.
Praying praying praying---I guess that is where the Lord wants me to be --- rightfully so.